Sunday, December 28, 2008

I am the gay elephant in the "Room"

that apparently no one is bringing up or mentioning to me about lol.

No need to dance around.. spit it out.

I just got back from visiting with my mom's mom.. and my step- grandfather .. who is more like my grandfather..

Some people ask me what does my "family" say about me being gay or how did they take it .. etc.. blah blah and blah.

I am the kind of person where.. especially with some people I don't give a fuck what they think. My mom well it was not until like Summer of 07 that I was involved with someone and my mom asked me if there was something going on.. I sayed of course.. she's like "where do you sleep" I'm like .. where do you think?

I'm 26 year old I don't have to make excuses, be scared or hide shit.. I am of age to do what I want.

so she started with "I think it's a phase" blah blah blah. I sayed no.. see I do truly believe people can be Bi.. I truly believe you can totally want to be with both genders..

before I get the hate mail of "I would never be with my same sex" well pop some champagne and congrats.. but for those like me who prefer being with my same gender.. or for those who are attracted to both genders.. this is the people I'm speaking about..I believe they are not confused.. sure some may be curious and experiment and then there is some who love both sex's .. literally.

I have been with guys.. I have also been kissing girls since I was a 5 and up. So for the ones quick to say "you haven't met the right one".."you had a horrible experience with your dad/boyfriend" blah blah blah.. whatever excuse you need to come up with to make your self comfortable.. handle your scandle.. but no. I know what I like .. I've tried both and have made a decision.

My mom is the type that is not judgmental for shit. If I were to bring him any race, color, etc.. as long as I was happy then thats all that mattered.

So in continuing.. my mom however is not comfortable with it.. I think the main reason is because she doesn't want to see me as a "sexual being".. I can totally understand that... I mean who wants to think of their parents doing shit that we do? and with the same sex? lol right? If thats her whole reason behind her uneasiness then cool.. does it kinda bother me that my mom is the shit and accepting of every fucken being can't really discuss this? of course. This is the one issue thats not really talked about..

I tease her and shit but then again.. maybe cause I am an only child.. who doesn't want their only child especially their daughter to get married and have a kid? but news flash.. being straight doesn't entitle you to the white picket fence story book kind of life.. I love kids but don't want any.

SAME SHIT as the whole "oh your to pretty to be gay" "what a waste".. and my usual response.. what the fuck does looks have to do with it? like seriously? every "Attractive" person you know who dates a dude or girl is perfect cause the way they look? Oh ok.. so because I am cute or whatever that makes me guaranteed that I will have a devoted loving husband for the rest of my life?

Oh and for the record.. I'm not a fucken godess lol.

you either need to wake up or go to sleep cuz you smoken some shit. We are in 2009 my dear.. and if your so fucken superficial to think because of the way you look that will depend the outcome of your love life? really? so what about all the "attractive" people that we all know? do we say "I'm so sorry your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you because YOUR SO PRETTY.. get the stupidity? what if a beautiful looking person was a bitch, vain, horrible inside.. Not to get corny but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Looks fade and only go so far.. I know there is some really good looking stunning people but have the worse attitudes and attributes that make them appear fugly.

There is a quote a man once sayed on Oprah.. He lost his eye sight years ago and when people ask him why he's not depressed or something to that effect.. stuff we would all think .. thoughts that go through our head if that happened to us.. he sayed "I wouldn't have it any other way, I have senses people will probably never have in their life, and I never met an ugly person unless they wanted to be"..............................OH SNAPS. get my point?

I know first hand.. because I am a good person.. and I treated someone like a fucken queen.. her family is mad cool with me, everyone prefers me over the one she chose.. even to this day.. but no matter how perfect I was.. she chose someone else who I'm guessing wasn't the same way I was, and total opposite.. So that whole theory of looks and bullshit.. Guess I was the exception of the rule that looks will ensure you a guaranteed to happiness land....reality.. you want to be with the one YOU want to be with, fuck the superficial.

When some of my friends that I know read my blogs.. it's kind of like.. a weird embarrasing feeling? I dunno why.. I guess I'm used to people randomly sending me messages of how they like my blogs.. cool.. So when my mom told me her mother commented about my myspace page

(On my Email I have my myspace URL on my signature)

I was waiting for the "gay" thing to come up.. even tonight I was at their house and they wouldn't refer to it but only highly praised me of the way my page is structerd..I don't have the best relationship or close one, so for a compliment was kind of like .. hmm ok so wheres the insult? lol. Funny though cuz I was waiting for it to come up but didn't. On the way home I mentioned to my mom how they didn't bring it up..but I could tell on their face.. I told my grandfather to just spit out in a joking way..He also sayed I should show my page to my uncle and his wife as a better way to get to know me, .. I sayed why would I do that? I don't know them like that.. in all honesty no one really knows me in that family.. it's dis functional .. plus I've always stayed away not the best environment. So for me to show then my page and my world.. how can I expect them to understand me as a person when for the fact we are all together in 1 room we can't last 5 minutes before we fight. So I think not. But I could be wrong, apparently it's not an issue obviously.. and I shouldn't be as judgmental..and I need not be so defensive. I think they won't even dwell on that and just get to know me off my page and maybe from there we can become close? then again I don't know them that well either maybe, it's not right for me to assume what their beliefs and opinions are, They aren't close minded people don't get me wrong but I hope they don't act all weird or my moms brother tell me not to say or wear anything so his kids won't get confused? I'm just sayen..

a funny little thing.. last Saturday there was a huge dinner.. his daughter saw my necklace of the lesbian symbol (roughly described think of a circle with a upside down cross.. 2 of those symbols linked together. for more info on this and other symbols click here .. She's extremely bright, observant and intelligent for her age.. she's like 10? she asked me "What does that mean?" I was caught off guard so I changed the subject but she asked me again.. I sayed "just a necklace".. I wasn't about to explain it to her.. thats a conversation for her and her parents, I don't want to confuse her or anything, and I personally feel it's not my place to educate or explain to her.. so she follows me and keeps asking.. so I told her " it's just a necklace some girls wear.. older girls" she's like I seen that before I just can't remember.. someone told me though it's bad!" I sayed "well to some people it is" and I walked away. My mom told me she kept asking my mom what it meant and my mom kept telling her she didn't know what she was referring to.. my mom didn't even know what necklace I had on till she I showed it to her. she's like oh.. thats what she's talking about.

My mom sayed her brother did look at it and mentioned to her like "Oh so Alexis is a Lesbian?" my mom told him she didn't want to discuss it.. that annoys me. My mom is all about gay marriage, gay rights she doesn't care. she use to joke she will probably have a daughter in law and will have to join G.L.A.A.D. But I guess when it comes true?.. It's not hard but it's kind of like wtf? I don't think she wants to know details about who I date.. but even when I dated dudes she was weird about that.. I can give a mad fuck though.. as long as I'm happy who cares and she will be fine.. she doesn't treat me any different or anything at all.. she has friends of all sorts, etc..

I have people that send me messages asking me how did I come out and how did my family react.. I was never in the closet.. I thought I was Bi for ever! but I always knew the difference of being with a guy and girl and what I felt was right. I have some "Friends" well acquaintances who think it's just a phase and blah blah fucking blah.. they don't know what I feel inside or think. Just cuz they may not get it I don't give a fuck..

I don't really know what to tell them because I didn't have a religious or people around me hateful to such, structured or be it racist up bringing my mom was never like that, I didn't really hear anything derogatory about Gay/Lesbian it was never an issue. So when I get asked what they should do because either their family is against it period or they are afraid they will be shunned and or banned, letting down their family, etc.. I don't know what to tell them. Thats something they have to decide on their own, I am not in a position to give them advice for the fact my way of things and circumstances is different.

The word LESBIAN however doesn't sit right with me .. not because of what it stands for.. but because of the label.. it doesn't define me. So many stereo types with labels. Not every fucken lesbian is a horniada.. horny ass broads, or have mullets and are homely looking.. Sure there are lots but even though I appreciate a beautiful woman.. I'm not attracted to alot.. I have a certain type that I like.. I'm sure the same with gay guys.. Who are so much fucken fun.. especially the flamers lol love love love them!

When Prop 8 was on the ballet for this years election.. ay dios.. so much propaganda about being in schools and kids.. I can go on FOREVER on the false scare tactics they used, yea funny though how all these people were so scared it would "convert" their kid or blah blah blah.. when ugh.. how many fucked up examples do we have of straight parents. It is what it is... blah blah blah. I tell some of my friends who are homo phoebe.. They flatter themselves that every gay guy who walks past them wants them?, I'm sure you aren't their type either.. what do you think they are gonna do? sprinkle gay fairy dust on you? -I will say this.. IF we can have a black president .. we will have gay marriage legal one day. I totally understand everyone's point if they support or don't. Doesn't phase me.

I know some women who were in long term marriages, have kids.. but end up with a woman. It just goes to show you .. you just never know if someones personality or your connecting with someone on a deeper level.. may not always be what you thought would be.

To each is own.. I have written a detailed blog on this in this site.. anyways.. I think my main point was .. interesting that people I know or people who have known me since birth but don't know anything about my life see what I have public ally available to everyone and my blogs where I speak or I should say write whats on my mind... at least they like the style of my writing lol.

So thats my story

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's very brave of you to write your truth.

I know a lot of men and women who talk the talk but when it gets down to it, they would never speak their minds.

Because their afraid of what other's think.