Wednesday, July 30, 2008


We had a earthquake yesterday.

I have a habit of shaking my leg when I'm at the computer, Not sure why it's just something I do, maybe a cause of my A.D.D. or whatever. I have neighbors upstairs who move alot and can hear when they are walking, they shut their glass patio door and slam windows that are open, causes a loud shakey kind of movement and noise. I don't live in front facing the street but can still feel the rumbling from big trucks and what not driving by. I've lived here for going on 11 years so I'm used to it.

I was sitting at the computer like usual shaking my leg and in doing so a little vibration will set off where my bottle of water or even the computer screen will move a little. But this time it's the vibration came harder and as soon as I felt the sway (I'm on the bottom floor) It was one of those fight or flight modes, adrenaline kicking in, I'm pretty close to my front door and it was locked, took me a couple seconds to unlock and I ran outside. the weirdest shit is I actually felt the earth move like really fucken sway. I never felt that before.

I remember my first earthquake mid 80's I believe. I was living in Hollywood, I have the best memory it ain't even funny. I remember clearly putting on my Punky Brewster shoes (It doesn't get more 80's than that!) My mom threw me under the large round table. I just remember being there with my mom covering me. My mom is one of the most prepared people ever. She is a member of the Red Cross Relief Team, certified, trained, etc. She sleeps with a pair of tennis shoes and flash light literally by her bed. She's constantly checking batteries, and updating the earthquake kit, I have a complete first aid kit in my car, along with road flares, road cone, the orange jacket, lol fire distinguisher, extra clothes, etc..

Sometimes in my room I think about all the shit I have that can block my way out or topple on me. Someone asked me yesterday what my fear of an earthquake was? at first I was like wtf kind of question was that? oh gee I don't know something falling on me and I can't get up from, something happening to my mom, the apartment upstairs collapsing .. imagine the pain of figuring out who belongs to what? lol .

But then I really thought and I think it's the sound, it's the shaking, I'll always have the image of early 90's the Northridge quake? I believe ... and the earth just roaring, it's like the weirdest fucken feeling of the height of the earthquake, like a sound thunder, it's a being bigger then we are. It's something we can't control even if we tried. It's easy to predict the weather 2 weeks ahead but not an earthquake. They say were due very very shortly for the "BIG ONE" I seen images of the San Francisco quake? and I think one in the early 90's? I wonder if I will survive? will I get out in time? I heard Downtown L.A will be at least 10 feet high in just glass from all the buildings. Imagine if it was during the day? people that work on the 10th and higher? fuck that shit. I think sometimes when I'm in at a event, venue, club somewhere where the door exits are not near by.

I am so freaked out and shaken that I am going to sleep next to the front door. I have all my shit ready lol. I know very well never to run outside, but I dont give a FUCK! yea yea blah blah I know glass and what not could fall on me, but in that moment I won't even have time to think. It is what it is.

Here are some tips...

* Water and food to last at least three days (your car trunk is a handy place for these bulky items).

* Water purification tablets
* Heavy-duty gloves
* A first-aid kit
* A minimum of $100 in cash (automated teller machines and banks may be shut down following a quake)
* Family photos and descriptions (to aid emergency personnel in finding missing people)
* A flashlight and portable (or solar-powered) radio
* Extra batteries
* Goggles and dust mask
* A personal commode with sanitary bags

"The most important thing for human survival is water," says Frank Wong of Earthquake Outlet, an Albany (California) store that offers a comprehensive supply of earthquake-safety products. [For address and phone information on Earthquake Outlet, see resources.


"You should have at least five gallons of water stored in your hallway or back yard," adds Wong, "because after an earthquake hits, if you don't have a shut-off valve, the (tap) water will be contaminated within 12 hours.


Although it is likely water would be restored within 72 hours of a major quake, some areas might be dry for much longer.

After a major quake, remember that opening your refrigerator and freezer can be a judgment call if you have no electricity. If indications are that power will be restored within a day or so, most foods will be fine as long as you don't open freezer or refrigerator doors. If you think it's going to be a long emergency, however, you might as well consume foods while they last. Watch for spoilage, and toss anything that's suspect.

Here are some suggestions for basic sustenance to see you through the first few days after a disaster. Shelf life is indicated in parentheses.

* WATER: Store drums of water (about a half gallon per person per day; you'll need more for washing or if you have pets) in the hall closet or back yard. For water stored in store-bought containers, add a half-teaspoon chlorine bleach to five gallons to keep it good for one year. Or purchase in multi-year, sealed cases for less than $20 at stores such as Earthquake Outlet [see resources for more information].

Moist towelettes can reduce the need for bathing water. If water is shut off, ladle out the water from toilet tanks and hot-water heaters. Water purification tablets are available at sports and camping stores.

* BREADS & CEREALS: Keep crackers and cookies well packaged, preferably in tins (6 months). Stock up on ready-to-eat cold cereals (6 months). If you have ice cream melting in the freezer, pour it on the cereal. With even minimal cooking facil ities, instant or quick-cooking cereals (6 months) are warming as well as filling.

* DRY FOOD: For main dishes, instant soup cups and add-hot-water-and-steep dishes (6 months) are a real boon.

* CANNED FOOD: Even if you generally don't use much canned food, it is invaluable in an emergency. Just be sure you've got a manual can opener.

As with all emergency rations, cans or plastic containers are better than breakable jars. Canned fruit, vegetables, meat, poultry and fish (1 year) make for sturdy eating. Be sure to include items that can be eaten cold.

Sardines and Spam may not be on your usual menu, but they'll keep bodies fueled. Shelf-stable tofu (check pull date) is another great nutritious food.

* DAIRY PRODUCTS: Powdered milk (4 months) is versatile: You can use it for making instant puddings, chocolate milk, etc. Soy milk, plain or flavored, is widely available in shelf-stable cartons (check pull date), and canned or evaporated mil k (1 year) will fortify instant coffee.

Keep a generous rotating supply of cheese such as cheddar or Swiss in the refrigerator; it could give you several days of good protein and good eating.

* BEVERAGES & TREATS: In addition to basic drinking water, store fruit juices and prepared coffee or tea drinks in cans or cartons.

Stock instant coffee or tea drinks (1 year), canned puddings (1 year), whipped topping mixes, hard candies in cans and such snacks as dried fruit, nuts, pretzels, chips and ready-to-eat popcorn (check pull dates). They deliver some nutrition and will he lp morale.

These supplies are no help if you can't get to them. Make sure every household member knows where they are.

What To Do Before An Earthquake

In this section you can learn about earthquakes and what can do to protect yourself before an earthquake. Find out which earthquake kits and supplies you need along with other important steps to take before an earthquake like seismic fastening.

What To Do During An Earthquake

Do you know what to do during an earthquake? It's definitely something to include in your earthquake preparedness plan. Learn about what actions you can take to increase your chances of survival when the earth starts shaking.

What To Do After An Earthquake

If you have been fortunate to survive a catastrophic earthquake, you still won't be out of the clear yet. The days after an earthquake can be just as dangerous as the seismic event itself. Learn what you can do to survive after an earthquake.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Hip Hop is the new "I LOVE YOU"

To me Hip Hop is a sensitive topic for me personally . I feel Hip Hop is used very fluid like, has no meaning and is in a way misleading of what real Hip Hop is. I find it's attached to everything simple.

I am fully aware that music is universal and everyone has opinions and I am not here to dictate the absolute rock solid definition of what Hip Hop is. This is my blog, my opinion. oh and I love the ignorant ones who read my music section on my myspace page which clearly states the realest in hip hop legacy but because I didn't name 1 OF THEIR FUCKING favorites I am all of a sudden accused of not knowing shit cuz I didnt name them.. shut the fuck up with that shit.

I thought the other day when I was conversing with someone, he hit me up and asked who in Hip Hop I liked and I named a shit load, most he never heard of (granted he's like 21-Im not saying this age demographic doesn't know) so I asked him who he thought was Hip Hop. He named, Lil John, Fergie (that one blew my fucken mind- I love her voice but don't confuse her candy beats as Hip Hop.) and he named 36 Mafia? Lil Wayne! lord help him and Ray J, Chris Brown? HA. AKON- he's a singer to me, Cassidy, .. ok so some may say what I just stated in the paragraph below is contradicting now but it's really not due to these lames.

I am well aware that obviously these dudes on the radio sell Millions upon Millions of their cds (I can't call them albums with a straight face) then again if all these people have not been exposed to other emcee's .. the radio is shoving this shit in their ears. so millions must think they are the shit and thats totally fine. just dont call it Hip Hop.
so yea there is mad money to be made, and the listeners eat it up.

I think 50's mixtapes back in the day before he got on the candy beat shit was aight, I actually liked to dance to it, I wouldn't but it on a cd I was making of Hip Hop to bump in my ride, I think some of his lyrics are coo He's definitly a smart business man. He's not one of the most creative lyrists IN MY OPINION but not up to par of his arrogance, Kanye is annoying and cocky as they come but he has a reason to be)

Game IN MY OPINION is well I don't really have one, I havent listend to anything of his since the documentary and when he did the 100 bars mixtape I believe? so I can't really say much I wonder what other words he would fill if he actually left out N.W.A, 2 PAC, DR. DRE, AFTER MATH, AFTERMATH DYNASTY, LOW RIDERS, WEST COAST, COMPTON. I read some where a magazine counted how many times he sayed that in his first album, it was comedy.

and I don't know who else who the guy I mentioned earlier was talking about cuz I don't listen to the radio. Hip Hop doesn't reside there anymore unless it's a "old school lunch hour music" key word HOUR god forbid they confuse the mindless massive youngsters on what the sound and intelligence of what real Hip Hop is. the horror.

What cracks me and some of my real true B-Girls is when you ask some foo at a club or a bar or whatever who they listen to "2pac", he is the ONLY one ever in the world no one is better then him. Now don't get ME wrong, I LOVE ME SOME 2PAC! but I bet if he heard of Planet Asia, Talib Kweli, my dawg Chino XL, Dilated, shit like that, it would totally blow his fucken mind and ADD on to his list.

Hip Hop to me is not dead. I think people take shit so fucken literal. I understood Nas's name for the album. Hip Hop is not on the radio, nor is it "Dead" it's a fucken culture. Is it dying? No. I assume he did it to make a point and stir up the topic. I think in the younger generation it is Dead. It's a trip cuz the radio back in the day like Mid 90's and before was the only way really you knew what was going on the music world. As soon as you can make your own cds, and the net grew now it's a free for all.

You know what irks me the most about false claims that these idiots are Hip Hop? is when shit like "ay bay baby" or Soulja Boy is proclaimed HIP HOP? or Loli Pop"? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? DID THIS FOOS FORGET THE ENGLISH VOCABULARY? HOW FUCKEN LAZY ARE THEY TO ONLY SAY A DUMB ASS "CATCHY" HOOK rather then spit some real shit. you got fucken kids and people doing that shit like it's the Macarena at partys and award shows? and kids eat this up. You can call it whatever you want but don't disrespect and call it Hip Hop. I'm sure it's fun and ain't that serious, just a dance step and that jolli rancher or loli pop or gumball or whatever that fucken song and it's future spin offs are.. give me a fucken break. Thats what gives Hip Hop a bad fucken name.

Do not get me started on "Lean Like A Cholo" Now I have met Kilo, he is very very nice. But I speak my mind and I couldn't listen to it nor watch the video, I called up Chino and asked him what the fuck was he doing in that video? Thats why Psycho Realm or other bald headed emcee's can't get anywhere cuz they take one look at think "CHOLO" it's already bad enough if your brown skinned or have a hispanic/latin/mexican slang name or dressed as it, your already catagorized as a one hit wonder.

Hip Hop isn't about a snare or just cuz you try to flow FAST doesn't make you a emcee motha fucker it just means you can speak fast, Oh and just cuz you can make words ryhme doesn't mean your a god damn poet.. and didnt even know it.

Just cuz Jay-Z did a couple tracks with Beyonce does not make her an honorary by association. I think Beyonce is a wonder, she's is absolutey stunning, she's one of the most talented in the music/acting business period that girl is a born superstar, she is the definition of the triple threat. but to me she is not Hip Hop.

Neither is J-Lo, love the ass jenn, but you don't rap nor sing, respect due of cuorse but you talk through your tracks like P.Diddy ..

I think Hip Hop gets a bad name because most people associate "Rappers" with Hip Hop the stereo-type is "Hip Hop rappers are all about bling bling and sexist videos while poppen some liqour of the moment". See, to me Hip Hop is educational, it's about knowledge and a creative way to express their environment. I think if professors, teachers, poli-trick-tions and well cultured business men really listened to the true lyricists I think their whole perception would change and instead of having this puppe sell outs, they would market the real emcee's more and add them to the "Green" campaign, lets clean up the radio industry and go green as in helping get the toxic bullshit off the radio. Music has a massive effect on children and their character a bit. It's like all the drama based young teen shows on T.V that teaches young teens that in order to be in a real relationship you need sex and drama to equal love. thats another topic for another day.

Take KRS-1, WU-TANG, COMMON, the list goes on.. My personal fav for life is Lauryn Hill, personally the only reason I even listen to the score is for her bars, then I skip over Wyclef's hyper.. who doesn't make sense to me. I can't tell what he's saying and what the point in the delivery is? Lauryn Murderd that shit on her solo album, "LOST ONES" thats my jam!

I use to burn and download shit but now because I work closely in marketing and promoting and in some inner circles I won't.. I see why the "underground" is kept "underground" How do you expect your favorite emcees and groups to get anywhere especially if the radio is always turning away everyone because it doesn't fit their mold.

"Underground" already has the racism against it, so the more you burn and download their music the more they loose money on their work, they have to struggle to put albums out and when given the chance to almost get a huge contract that maybe can change the game.. there is no statistics or sound scan numbers to look at, how can you show them what your fan base is, if you can't prove that you can provide quantity, an actual product.. why won't that happen? .. because people download and burn your shit.

Lets take Immortal Technique. Not only does he have the "message and the money" He is actually one of the realest who actually practices what he preaches, and I know first hand. I hope that people are fans not because "it's the trend" or "it's cool" or " I like how he cusses alot" but because you get what he's saying, you get the message that you CAN do something about how things are, how there is a "market" in Hip Hop. Why don't we call radio stations? Mtv and shit like that to play videos? we are the consumers right? just like with the artificial government.. we have the power, we are in the millions as people but we bow down and are mind trained that we have to follow less then 50 people who make decisions for US., and what really goes on in the "The 3rd world" about poverty, instead of talken bout "Bartenders" "she made us drinks, to drink, we drank em" ARE YOU FUCKEN KIDDING ME?

When I first heard tech I was hooked, his tracks made me GOOGLE what he was talking about, I wanted to find out more of shit I didn't even know all the conspiracies, all the lies and cover up.

I know alot of lyricists there aren't many ...granted, but if you really pay attention to what they are saying, that shit is poetry, it's such a creative way to work the words in the vocabulary. Some Smart mother fuckers out there that could possibly change the outcome of the youth or whatever have you.. but are kept "underground"

You don't have to agree with I sayed, this is my opinion, there is no race in hip hop. I have been stereo-typed that I only promote latinos, or I only promote people that sound like Cypress or Psycho Realm. FALSE. I promote for at the current moment, Armenian, Jewish, Italian, Arab.. I am so intrigued by emcee's from other parts of the world, all over the globe. My point is. take alesson from the beginning of Hip Hop .. and compare it to the wack shit on the radio.. the difference shall speak for it self.

Like I stated in one of my other blogs, when I get him up by peeps who tell me 'check out my music and let me know if it's something you would promote" . First off I'm not here to dictacte if your music is good, if you want MY opinion then dope. If I think it fits in to what my "demographic" is then of course I'm not gonna lie to you and take your money. I may not feel your shit but you could be the next big thing, and who am I to cock block. I'm just one person, I'm not the judge of Hip Hop, you could totally disagree but that doesn't mean I don't know shit and the same way vice versa I'm sure. My long ass point is.. HIP HOP IS NOT ON THE RADIO. but is on my Radio show =) shamless plug! and on other radio shows like
HIPHOP PHILOSOPHY.COM .. I fucken love that station big ups to AC! thank god for the real shit on the net who can freely play the "golden" era of hip hop!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

the myth my meds are "HAPPY PILLS"

If you read one of my previous blogs about "Family" you can understand why I got issues lol, doesn't everyone, Shit I can spot some so easy from everyone sometimes. I'm not offering a subscription lol! jk

I'm not afraid or embarrassed to share some personal shit. I'm not perfect not is anyone else. There are alot of things in my life I will never ever disclose to anyone. But I'm not afraid to share my experiences and what I think is important.

I know stereo-types and close minded people believe what they were taught. They never think or take a chance to think out side the box. I find that with Medication. I know some people who are totally against medications, and I respect their feelings. We all hear the horror stories how some people have committed suicide because of the "anti depressant" drugs. Or "Happy Pills" that make you numb or stuck or not all there.

In 06 I went through one of the most darkest phases of my life. I have been diagnosed "Depressed" a couple times before. I started taking things off my wall.. all my posters, shit off my dressers.. I mean my room looked like it was empty. I put everything in my closet, thinking of where I was gonna donate it. To this Day! I still haven't put shit up.

I have thought how many many times I would end my life, I didn't wanna do it where someone would find me. If I was gonna do it, I wouldn't fuck with methods that were not gonna do the job right. I got pushed to far one night and it sent me in a violent rage. Mind you this wasn't a friend or some stupid cruel comment.. NO. there is only 2 people in this world that can send me and push my fucken buttons like that. You know the RED button that will blast shit out.

One is my mom.. because she is all I have. and is like me holding on this whole time in my since birth with 2 hands on the ledge dangling and with every strike and blow growing up is 1 hand already lost it's grip because the fingers were no longer strong to hold. and the other is like my life now with my mom trying to hold on and with my depression and bullshit she can't hold her grip much longer I'm slipping but she won't let go . the minute she gives up on me OR chooses someone over me for something stupid is like feeling my soul is gone dragging me down and she lets go and the green light to say LATES and and end up a memory. if that. My mom will lie, cheat, still and kill for me. I know this because no matter how many times I try to hurt her or give up or even speak about ending it all with a kool aid smile on my face she flips the fuck out. I' not manipulating her for what? (maybe I am?) because she already gives me her full divided attention and love. I don't look for validation or the affection from others.

and the other is someone who should have uncondtional love but has showen me the cruelest opposite. the anger and hate for that person I wanna just do some damage and won't stop till I see blood. I was on my way to get a gun which I had access to and if I couldn't pull the trigger for whatever reason I knew a bridge I could drive my car off. I was in a dark place. Obviously I didn't ...long story. Anywho my mom begged me to come home..I remember my homeboy kept calling me and the cops my mom had called and reported even my license plate.. I answered my homeboys call not telling him anything acting like whatever.. he invited me to his pad but I had a bad feeling I wouldn't end up alive.. not because I would something but because something would be done to be worse then putting a gun in mouth or having a brutal death by my own doing. I've been in that situation before and I rather drown then be that close to some serious against my will shit.

I finally gave in and agreed to see a psychiatrist and go to therapy. I don't what the fuck made me agree? lol. I was depressed. I have everyone always tellen me "If you ever need to talk I'm here" BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT! The minute I even begin disclosing or actually letting my gaurd down, OR the RARE time I have asked to chit chat or vent.. I'm not talking bout OMG to 1 of my close friend about what happened yesterday at the store or about my ex or shit like that. I'm talking bout real fucken shit. more times than not.. They change the fucken conversation and will completely disregarded what I have started to say I FUCEKN WANNA SMACK THEM. I can understand it may be akward or not sure what to say. but No one is tryen to hear my fucken problems, or make me feel fucken DUMB when they ask whats wrong and I say what's wrong THEY DONT FUCKEN REPLY BACK LOL. But will reply to something else days later OR WHEN THEY HAVE A QUESTION BOUT SOMETHING and not even acknowledge what I previously stated or shared. or only WHEN they try to get in my head or use my weakness's to play off it or something. No one fucken checks on me to see if I'm okay No one gives a mad fuck. Im used to that and now I like it like that.. shit.. Expect nothing and you won't be dissapointed.


UNLESS it's the rare ones who have taken the time to show me the respect and show some compassion.

In my depression I didn't want to breathe, eat, feel, move. I didn't want to be alive. I couldn't get up to eat or I couldn't go outside. everything was so dark and with the shit in my past death seemed so calm and right I pray everynight but it's when I'm lost I don't or mad at whoever who I'm praying to up above. or If I do I ask to end it. Hundreds of people die for no reason, someones only child gets ran over, or people loose their loved ones in a freak accident, car accident or kidnapped and their dead body lying somewhere from being raped or strangled or simply in the wrong place. or someones family completely dead and the dad or the kids are left alone .. so many various fucked up reasons. I would take their place in an instant. Some can say I'm put here for a reason. But I don't think I really give a fuck to persue my potential I live my life have assed. People ask me where do I see myself in 5 years? I don't see anything. I really think I am blessed and cursed. I'm stuck .

It's when I am good and cool is when they're all tryen to chill and kick it. it's amazing.

.Some say suicide is a coward way out, Well not everyone has something to live for, so people can say what they want but I dont see life that precious for me PERSONALLY for my being, say I'm weak or stupid, that's their opinion they dont know my life. I know people have it soooooooooooo worse! and still would never end their life. People assume I'm so fucken strong, yea in some aspects not all.

So I went to see a psychiatrist, I HATE crying in front of someone, it makes me feel weak and so vulnerable. The minute she asked me why I was there, you know all it takes is one person to put their hand on your shoulder or so softly ask "whats wrong" I broke and I couldn't stop crying. She put me on a certain medication. I told her I will not take anything that makes me gain weight, well that limited my options, BUT literally in a week, I was sleeping normally, I didn't have insomnia, I was working out I had so much energy, I went vegan. The thing I stress is that sure not all meds work for everyone, it's trial and error. But what the medication allowed me to do was let me think, it took alot of the anxiety and darkness away. It stopped me wanting to take a gun to in my mouth. It allowed me to function. It wasn't a happy pill, not at all. You know I know most don't believe in therapy but the medication is not a fix it. you need to work on yourself. I started going to therapy. believe it or not do not like to talk about myself with people. So I tried it. I have been going since early of 07, but I stopped. Im not ready to continue, I am bored with it. I can't let my therapist do his job if I'm not willing to go through the process. Why waste both our times, when I'm ready I'll go back.

Me and my Psychiatrist are hella cool with each other, she's young and gets me. She goes out of her way for me I think more than any other of her clients and it's dope. She told me not to long ago that when she first met me she wrote me off as a "lost cause" she didn't think I would make it. But in the first week like I sayed it was a trip.

I went through a novela of a relationship that I had to add a medication for my stress and anxiety, I'm in the process of getting over her, I hope soon because relationships are a bitch!!!!. I don't really blame her for everything because I already had my issues prior. The meds work for me so good and I'm still on it, Probably the rest of my life. I find Bi-Polar is the popular disease. I thought I was bi-polar but I'm not. I don't fit the type. I do suffer from depression and a chemical imbalance but Im not one to go fucken crazy or psycho. It's a struggle, I have my days where I'm good and I have others where I dont see the point of being here I really don't. My mom refuses to give up on me, she's always there to support anything I do. She will do what she has to make sure I go to therapy or take my meds. She knows the way I grew up wasn't easy and sometimes I think thats why she enables me. She does kinda spoil me, but im not a selfish or bratty person. Sometimes I do find myself having her do things I should be doing because I get frustrated with shit that seems impossible to fix. It's always been me and her, I'm an only child, she has always been someone I look up to, I get my compassion from her. sometimes I feel bad that she has a daughter that is what I think a burden to her and the way her family and her life is but she doesnt see it like that, she's so god damn positive! lol I need to practice that for myself.

I hear some people say "I'm depressed" I ask them why? it's usually cuz their just lazy or want attention. Depression may be different for everyone. It's something sometimes you want to stay in, I think it's so much easier to be in that dark world. I don't do drugs or drink on the regular I will throw up if I get to high and I cant hold my liqour I get buzzed way to fast and I'm more of a eater then a drinker. so besides the meds I'm on, My ass is fucken sobe, so already that is a bitch! lol.

Thanks for reading, hopefully it lets others who feel the same know they are not alone.

It's easy to say I can over come and don't needs meds.. it's easy for others to say Meds are bad and are owned by companies that make you addicted and are shoved at me in pretty packages with promises and statistics that it is good for me. -Guess what though.. same shit with meat milk and sugar. TRUST.. it's even worse my friend.. which probably will lead you to where I'm at or just bad health in general.

I'm not doubting it for a minute. I'm the first one to question anything especially for my body -Hello I went vegan-. My mom will research everything any meds that are prescribed.

I'm not strong minded.. and you know what.. I choose to be on meds.. I choose to take them everyday.. why? because I don't believe in myself. I will self district easy and self sabotage, I block it out and reject things I know I can change or about to. So if I choose to ignore and stay stubborn, scared and stuck.. then thats me. and until the miraculous day I dare to stop the meds then so be it. but until then I will be dependent and a "Slave" to them. I am addicted .. obviously I have some chemical in balance and can not try to overcome alone.. I've been in therapy for years. I know the saying we shouldn't dwell on our past and the shit we went through when we were younger is an excuse because we are adults now, yea but how we were raised and the experiences we have gone through"shapes" our character so that whole thing "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" blah. well that may work for others but not for me. so it is what it is. I can maybe use the tools and exercises to try to forgive the ones who have hurt so bad that it is in my soul but I feel if I forgive that SHIT then they get a free pass and no punishment for their actions, like the way they have FUCKED up and mistreated shit in my life will be forgiven and it's okay? So let me get this right.. I am scared, have gone through horrible shit, fucken asshole shit and they get away with it? because I am being the "Bigger" person" WHAT THE FUCK IS THEIR KARMA? FUCK THAT SHIT. I have also heard hating someone is like "Drinking a glass of poison and hoping the other person gets sick". I have let shit go with people but my "Father" and that evil devil of a bitch I WILL NEVER. so maybe that's not good for my health and maybe i won't be "free" or "happy" or "at peace" ... I'm well aware of alot of shit.. trust I know the consequences and the reality of shit. I take responsibility .. I choose NOT TO follow the steps.

What makes me laugh is the ones who tell me "WELL THEN THAT'S ON YOU"

Yea Motha fucker it is.. I WASN'T ASKEN FOR YOUR OPINION, I WASN'T ASKING FOR YOUR FEEDBACK.. if your not my therapist then shut the fuck up... that remark is a cop out and stupid remark is invalid..

My picture isn't under the definition of PERFECTION. and I have yet to see anyones.

I really wrote very candidly because alot of people have this illusion and fantasy that I have this great life and I find people kiss my ass because of who I work for and it looks so easy OR people assume because of my blogs and the way I write about other topics I'm something to be admired for or see things in me I can't. I appreciate GENUINE compliments and support.. It's kinda weird when I'm given a praise or I dunno. I appreciate it. but it's kinda weird to me.

I'm not be all means saying I'm genius .. god no. or a fucken marvel of the world. but I do know sometimes when people are praised for their uniqueness .. they are usually mad in the head and a bit neurotic

Oops did I say something nice about myself?

I find this is a topic that needs some serious shine.

Have you ever noticed that when someone says something positive about themselves someones says something negative like "your so vain", "your so cocky". It's like How DARE someone actually says something nice about themselves. Why does it bother or insult the other person?

If you have kids or know young children, don't you want them to be confident? Aren't we instilled at a young age to be proud of small accomplishments. It's like a 7 year old girl saying "I'm ugly" you would be quick to tell them otherwise, boost their confidence.

So why as adults most are so damn insecure about them self they chastise others for saying something positive about them self? Have you ever caught yourself from complimenting yourself because you don't want others to contrast your confidence? like omg who does she think she is? she ain't that cute. It's such insecurity and negative miserable vibes.

I am very confident about what I do. So when I say "I am damn good at what I do" "I'm a good person and have a great soul, so and so loves me" Wow there goes someone so quick to shoot that down with their comments, It's like how dare I say something that has NOTHING to do with them. Who the hell do I think I am for being positive about myself? and I sayed it outloud? oh my the fucken horror. Sometimes I am guilty of not saying what I think of how I look because I dont want the look like I'm crazy or disillusional . Sometimes I will say "Damn I look good" doesn't mean I think I look BETTER then them! so whats up with the stupid looks or automatic negative looks and comments? why does that bug people so fucken much????????????

Is our society so bitter and miserable? The moment someone is successfull, or gets some shine there's always a pack of haters. I believe in my observations that it's usally because they assume the person will look down at them, that they are not at their level or probably is not happy with where they are in their own life. Why is it so wrong for someone to be confident in themselves or express it. Like if I sayed "I'm very pretty" automatically you know in someones head they completely hate and don't like them. doesn't mean I would think I'm prettier then you. ya dig?

There is a fine line between Confident and Cockiness. Oh my do I deal with so much cockiness. To me is when you treat people like shit or this can go along with the negative like "I'm prettier then her shit" confident maybe.. but is it to make yourself better? always putting down someone else to make you feel better. I find as long as you see the beauty and positiveness in everyone else your golden. I tell my friends or people I don't even know if I like something about them. You know how some girls are caddy, the most attractive in the room, there goes the vicious comments and attitude towards her. Unless she acts like a bitch, why hate?

So many times I have had dudes who don't even know me will take the time to hit me up with some negative and mean fucken messages. I can almost gaurantee it's because they are intiidated or I heard one dude tell "You know you wouldn't give someone like me a chance" lol it's like Ninja I don't even know you, your the one who took the time to send me a message. I have many times took the time to get in their head, not manipulating but really taking the time to approach them on what they say to me and I do it in a way where I tell them what I assume of them and their behavior ...99% of the time they wanna take me out or always say I'm totally the opposite of what they assume and become very coo with me. Especially I get some stupid comments because I am a lesbian. So there goes the hate already lol.

It's comedy to me. I love emcee's who are about their music because they are confident and know the music they do is fucken the shit to them. That's the confidence that you need to make it in this world, especially in this industry. See it's their own confidence that they bring out in their music and the way they present it.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Is Blood thicker than water?

Is it? I believe water taste better. I thank my mom. The shit she went through with her dysfunctional "family" amazing with all the hate and negativity that went on in her childhood she was total opposite. My mom is the greatest, yea I know everyone says that right? She is the reason I never chose to end up a "statistic". I went through alot of hell growing up. I went through some cruel shit but I never chose drugs, drinking, promiscuous sex or needing constant validation and attention.

I started to really write about my life in this blog but I deleted it. I have a huge "family" by dna. on both sides of my mom and the sperm donor. I was always treated as a credit card debt to him, he was always cold,I never knew what I did for him to hate me especially when he was never around. His family were all cold. I was close to his mom but when I was little she was scared to get attached to me because my uncles had kids and their baby momma's never allowed her to see them. My "dad" beat the living shit out of me, the names he called me I don't think you would call a hooker. How funny though because if he really knew the person I was, he would feel like a fucken idiot he is. I have stories of this dick head that would blow your mind. Recently he sent me post cards from all over the world.. all of a sudden he has money? tryen to rub it in my face? lol bitch please. Had the NERVE to say he would take me wherever I wanted to go.. yea like I would really come back alive. I didn't want anything to do with him and I sent him an e-mail 25 years in the making. Of course.. being the arrogant low life vain self centered.. who never acknowledged the shit he did to me or put me through he replied "I'm done with you" lol. I told him Nigga You never started with me.. I been done with you"

My Moms side is just as worse. It's like a fucken novela fill of the villans and incredibly horrific and cruel shit me and my mom has gone through. I never had any single person love me like my mom. It's like I don't have anyone who will always be there for me or have my back, defend me or protect me. I think I was hated on because I was just fucken born. My mom's mom is a fucken psycho path. She is very vain, cruel and so hurtfull, I have some issues that I'm dealing with because of the shit she did to me and still continues. She trys to have a "Relationship" but I'm done with that. She isn't right in her mind. My mothers dad is no prize either, talk about cold. his wife is the living devil. I don't fear evil, I already met her. If she had 2 prior husbands put a hit on her, gee isn't that a fucking clue? She's a evil soul. me and her got into it and I told her exactly what I thought of her. Needless to say my "grandfather" can give a flying fuck. Like I didn't see that coming. It's always been that way.

It's a trip, my friends family or ex's familylove me. I am very caring and will do anything for anyone who is cool with me. It feels good to be accepted, and I show them the love and affection I wish I could give the ones who are dna related to me. I am an only child so it's always been me and my mom. I don't have cousins I keep in touch with. I wish I did. I stopped trying to keep in touch. or have family gatherings. I don't know what it's like to spend Holidays or B-days with my dna related "Family". I don't know the feeling of spending time kicking it sitting around laughing with my own family. I'll never get the unconditional love thing.

I have a negative side, I'm not a vindictive or malicious person. The universe won't let me. But I can chew you up and spit you out with my words. I seem to pick the people in my few relationships that are emotionally unavailable. Im not the type that is clingy or jealous, it's a natural emotion if I feel I am being played or lied to for someone else. I'm not Psycho. No one is worth it. I do not come off hard like I'm the shit but if I know someone is interested I do block it. I find something wrong or push them away. Especially after my ex. that fucked me up real good. Whenever I am with someone which is very rare, I treat them like fucken royalty.

To whoever reads this, cherish your family and the friends that really love you. I don't know what thats like, despite how "popular" some people think I am. Yea, I have few friends but it seems people can just write me off and never care to speak to me again. that hurts. So I know for a fact I'm not ment to ever be cared for and loved like my mom is with me. I thought the other day, what if I don't allow them? I know I wouldn't believe them because no one could. Even though I know I'm a good person, It's just not ment for me. Sucks to cuz I am very affectionate and caring. Everyone can write me off, I feel like I am a misfit like that. I do think I am attracted to those who I know are just like my "father" or those who are not worth the shit they would put me through.

I could see if I was some bitch who started shit. But I don't. I do defend myself, I was always picked on and talked down to when I was young so I learned very early on I can use my smartass mentality to my advantage. If I were to stay quiet and take it, It would still happen till I started defending myself. No one else would for me.

I do find people spoil me, it's like they see me as a child . why I don't know? they have this maternal instinct with me..they want to take care of me. I was very very close to a couple. and I don't know why but 1 of them just turned on me, and then a misunderstanding about something .. It just changed with the wife. I put her as high as my mom. I still do. I wish we can all go back. I will always respect them and have so much love for them. They were there for me in my darkest moments. I really really felt like I had a family with them. Even when they were selling their house they told me to come for a "family meeting" I miss them everyday and I will always consider them family, even though its different. It really fucken hurts me but I can't do anything about it. They showed me love and compassion. I don't resent or hate them. I'm still confused. They have such good hearts, thats one relationship I will always miss. I see them around but it's so different, so distant I hate it. If I had the power to change it, I would in a heart beat.

I don't play the victim role, oh whoa is me. That's not me. I'm just venting and I know others have had it if not just as bad, even worse.. who has no idea what the reason is for all this? But if there is I hope it helps someone out there.

I find people who read deep shit like this will talk shit or make stupid childish comments. When I think they got deeper issues inside but can't express it.

I find alot of people tell me I have this great energy, this certain vibe that comes off that they can tell me anything, Which they do. I am a vault. People trust me instantly, I value that. It feels good when people say they look up to me or I influenced them in some way. Why do most people see the good in my soul but the ones who should since birth completely have no care in the world what i do, How I am or what kind of person I have become.

Sure, people say and see me as a positive in the way I present myself but that comes from a dark place. There's a reason why I have something that glows it had to come from darkness.

I hope this doesn't change the way people think about me I cant control that but this is me and it is what it is. love me or hate me lol either way it's nothing new.

Friday, July 18, 2008

What makes me a grouppie? Cuz I like Hip Hop & Skirts?

I wrote this because I felt like it. Not because I'm mad . I'm not wasting my "energy" on writting bout "negative shit" .. to each is own.

I know the difference between a grouppie, a whore and a straight up B-GIRL. I'm simply a female who is girly that like hip hop, just like the many people around the world..

not to mention most of the REAL grouppies are *some* guys who would suck a dick the way they worship some M.C's and groups.. and those same guys are the ones mad at me cuz I do my thing, I get access that they cant, who's problem is that? lol not mine

I know there isnt alot of females who do what I do, or involved like I am in the underground scene. whats wrong with some dope females loven hip hop just like guys, maken moves and hustlen ?

Since day 1, my number 1 rule is "no dating in the scene" meaning I don't flirt nor do I get involved or have hook up with ANYONE , from M.C's, to Promoters, to even fans..

Don't let the respect I get and short skirts fool you ....

my name is clean, and how easy it is for people to look at me, and automatically think negative..

I know at a glance the usual stereo-type is I'm a grouppie cause I know all the guys and I get V.I.P or access.. or I promote for certain groups. But mind you of all the work and my position in this scene is. strictly business and legit friendship.

Its amazing how many people (usually insecure guys who probably think I wont give them the time of day, or females who try to call me a whore when really they are the ones who fuck everything that walks) call me a grouppie or a hoodrat.. but yet can't NAME the many they accuse me of....

I get some cruel ass messages from people I dont even know and sometimes people I see here and there at shows call me shit, asken me if I fucked so and so and how does it feel to be the biggest grouppie? I laugh at how they took their time to try to bring me down or feel like shit thinken thats how to get my attention, miserable people who need to worry bout themselves and not me.. in a way thats kinda compliment, I mean for them to think I would have to lower myself like that.. when in reality I NEVER HAD TO..

Reality Is I get oppurtunities for the fact I know my shit, I'm hella professional and I spread the word, and not my legs....

But if I was really a grouppie.. who fucks everyone in the scene, do you really think I would be taken as serious? or get on alot of projects? NO.. and if you think yes, then you need to think outside the box.....

I'm sure there is some M.C's who have been turned down by me are a lil salty, and wanna spread some lies.. thats all good cuz I know my truth..

Granted there is plenty of grouppies and whores around, but to compare me to them? NEVER...

so when you hear someone say my name followed by some false gossip.. remember.. Before you point your finger at me, make sure your hands are clean....

For all my haters.. I never seen anyone pictured under the definition of "perfection" worry bout yours and get off my jock

to everyone else.. have a great week =)

Females, wondery why Guys call you a Whore?

Hey FEMALES, Wonder why GUYS call YOU A WHORE?

I get hit up by alot of females who are always tellen me they look up to me, or males who think I have a good head on my shoulders because of the way I present and carry myself

I'm not the average female, granted I have had countless negative experiences with males in my family and some friendships with foos but 1 thing that I have learned is that it comes down to respect.

I am a honest person, I don't know how to play games or do the whole chase thing, I think that's where I can draw from my experiences, plus I got a wise mom to always help me see things in people I can't due to the smoke screens people place in front of me ...

If you want to be respected you need to carry your self as such, I am in a male dominated scene where females are looked at as hoes, whores and grouppies, of course there is plenty, however, I know that no matter how short my skirt is, how high my stilettos are or whatever I look like, as long as i conduct myself in a matter that is professional, friendly but yet assertive I will get the respect i deserve and seek

I am a smart, loving, sweet person, but I will NOT be disresepected, I hang out with nothing but guys so I don't take alot of shit guys say to girls to the heart, but i will let it be known there is a line where I won't let it be crossed

I am not perfect believe me! But I refuse to let a man define me, Females need to stop spreading their legs for the love they didn't get from their father or a bad experience when they were abused, molested or raped, I think todays society with females and males is F*CKED! everyone is tryen to get over on someone else for shit that has happend in their past .. as if they seek a negative relationship to actully heal their past but its a vicious cycle that doesnt do any good but makes it worse and more dangerous and hurts innocent people

My mom has taught me some key things... -This can pretain to females to!

If a guy really wants to take you out, he will call you days in advance, Not the night before, the day of or the night of ..

you are a bootycall, 2nd choice or plan B if he is calling or texting you after midnight, or when he's done coming back from a club or kicken it with or at his homeys pad , REMEMBER THAT

He needs to call you at a decent hour

so many things she has taught me, I guess what I am trying to say is females need to learn "You teach people how to treat you"

I see how kids are raised by mothers who put men first and treat their kids like a chore, kids pick up on it and thats why we have so many young females who think sex equals to love, looking to have babys when they are them selves babys, for the "unconditional love"and young men who think pimpen girls is ok because thats whats excepted..


Let's take myspace for instance, How the hell can any female expect any guy on here to respect you or take what you say seriously if you have nothing but sexual refrences on your page, half naked pictures, sexual images, and horny ass comments on guys pages? think bout it, a guy is looken to f*ck, plain and simple dont cry "respect" when you know damn well you posen with your finger in your mouth is gonna get him thinken what else u want in your mouth

I dont get why its all a game now, are guys programmed? they want the whores and hoes but not good girls who would be the positive and healthy relationship, or perhaps, there isn't a need for that, why take the time when people will f*ck at the snap of a finger

females see negative attention as easy attention, thats why they let the guys hit so quick, then wonder why the guy isnt the same.

I know some females who think they have to be drama to feel like they are in a relationship, constalty threatning "its over" but then he kisses your ass and u take him right back cuz he even knows your word dont mean sh*t, and thats how you loose the value of your word and respect . To much bullsh*t,
what happend to the days when you were excited to see your girlfriend/boyfriend.. that person made you happy as hell, you would be so happy to see them, it was all love and intimacy 24/7, I dont see that anymore with couples, its sad, after the 1st year it's like whatever.. I'm wishing for the days when I find someone where we both treat eachother like every moment with that person is heaven, butterflys every single time you see eachother and all you want to do is make eachother smile and laugh, nuture that person as the definition of love, you dont hurt the people you love.. seems like a foreign concept now... I guess as society theres no need for that. and thats sad.

I'm not sure what the attraction is to materialistic sh*t, I know alot of females who define someone by the car they drive, how much they make, sh*t like that, there is a difference between a guy that has sh*t together, and a guy who uses what he has to create a false image. I can no doubt respect wanting a man who can contribute to your life as in having his life together, but to seek out a male soley on what he has? what the hell do you bring to the table? why would a man want some chick that has nothing mentally or finacially? looks only go so far ladys. thats where females loose them selves in an image and are left lonley when he ups and leaves for someone else , love yourself and work on your self esteem, I know it's hard for females in general to feel up to par with todays standards of what we "need to look" like.

I am very defiant when a male thinks he can over power me or trys to play me when i finally see through the game, I get stronger, I can speak with a guy for 30 seconds and can tell when he's full of sh*t, Why can't guys be real? why do they act like they are single or so "blunt" when they are the biggest bullsh*tters! that pisses me off! -also pretains to ladies!

I been the perfect chick falling for the "perfect fairy tale" person to end up getten dissed so the person can go back to the psycho fatal ex who treats like crap and is drama .. so where is the justice in that? it wasn't me who was wrong .. It is very much their loss, but then it gets me to think damn, everyone is just after to hit right? what if the next does exactly the same thing, treat me like royalty to only try to gain something? I have a huge trust issue with that now, I can't take anyone serious because how do I know I'm not gonna hurt me like the last one who I thought was "so perfect like me" to much drama, I am seriously turned off by wack ass game

I know any one would be LUCKY to have me, I am not being cocky, I know that I am a good girl, with a damn good rep, I treat a female like f*cken royalty, u want a perfect wife (Yes we can marry now!) to ur kids, no drama, never trips when you chill with your friends, or hit strip clubs (sh*t invite! lol) family's adore me and I treat my girl like a Queen? well thats me! but for what? appearntly you got to treat someone like sh*t, be a whore for anyone to come back to you.. but f*ck all that I won't lower my level I dont need someone to make me whole "Mejor sola que mal acompanada"

I can go on forever, but any hope for our future, we need to really think back in our past and experiences with our own parents, I know people dont want to hear "Therapy" or think they dont have issues, but everyone does, I have some deep shit that has happend to me when i was younger and growing up, instead of making me feel like lowering myself to heal my past with casual sex and negative relationships, I see it as a I am a beautiful person inside, and any one would be lucky to have me, until the day comes that i feel a person is capable of having a healthy and positive, realistic, authentic relationship, ill keep to myself, and try to remind females that respect and self love is what we have to arm our selves with

I crack up when chicks wanna give me "props" but yet they f*cken with someone else's man, or sleepen around, don't praise me and act like you and me got something in common

one thing if any that I stress to every man and woman, It's 2008 USE CONDOMS, SEX OR ORAL I don't care how good you think you know your partner, AIDS is very real, diseases don't care who you are, there are to many forms of birth control ladies, but abortion isn't one of them its called a f*cken condom homegirls! I am pro-choice but multiple abortions isn't the answer cause your to lazy to protect yourself. , OH and the ones that crack me up are the foos who f*ck 3 girls at the same time and act like "I know they only f*cken me" C O M E D Y. I bet the other guys the females are doin are thinken the sameeeeeee thing, if your going to have unprotected sex do the smart thing, go get tested together.

I think males need to learn the importance of their role in their kids life. A Fathers role in a daughters life is very vital, their future relationships will depend on yours, how they see and interact with males will come from how she is raised.

Raise a Lady and not a whore...

And if you have sons, teach them to love and treat a female right, and not hoodrats for the easy lay.


I will add more soon, thank u for taken the time to read this

Mi Vida Loca-soundtrack of my youth?

Instantly at the the 3 words "MI VIDA LOCA" you think of the movie.

I decided to watch the movie Mi Vida Loca. I noticed on the DVD it had commentaries from the Producer and Director. I thought it would be cool to know the behind the scenes and things came about.

Flash back to when I was 13 years old. I am now going to be 26. I am really realizing now how much this movie influenced that time in my life. Alot of kids especially in Los Angeles went through that Cholo life style, some are still in it, it's carried every where for Generations. It was for me personally very attractive everything about it. I went through the phase of the clothes, the slang, the music. Although I was never in a Gang I hanged out with "members" god that seems to adult like term "members". Me and my best friend at the time my "Cousin" Vero were very close, Her mom was in the lifestyle very much, Vero lived differently than I did, I would do anything to go over her house, My mom who had been apart of that, knew I was so attracted to it, she tryed her hardest to keep me on check, she wasn't full of Joy the way I dressed, she wouldn't buy the clothes, which thanks to Vero I would sneak clothes or change at her house. I went through so many schools, probation schools, I dont' think I ever had a real High School experience. My mom moved from Hollywood to Alhambra for the fact didn't want me raised in that, although you can't get away, I kept getting kicked out and we moved about 15 minutes East to such a shock I was the only Chola style girl and where I live is so different from hoods that anyone remotely bald or a certain dress style you connect with them and hang out. I guess in a way lived by this movie. We knew Mi Vida Loca literally by heart. I remember us washing dishes and reciting the movie literally word for word. We use to say who would be "Sad Girl" or "Mousey" who compared most. I remember my friend Mona was "Whisper" she had that same low tone voice. It's crazy, now that I look back how much that movie influenced us. Theres a part where the director says how the song "Girls it Ain't Easy" wasn't known in the lifestyle as a song that pertained to it. That was our theme song lol! I don't know how many times we would call KRLA and dedicate it to eachother. They put it in the movie of a suggestion from a member of the group "Duran Duran", and how because of that movie it was always a fixture on KRLA Art Laboe on Sundays. I remember that time when it was on AM radio. I remember waking up every morning to "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU" the song for everyone who called in to announce their Birthday. Oldies to me now have a special place, Thats literally all we listened to of course we had to get all of the "Oldies but Goodies" tapes, had to bump any group that came out that was the style, this was back in 94, 95, 96 shit was poppen off with Cypress Hill, Lighter shad of brown, Brown Pride, Kid Frost, Deliquent Habits, and some others. I remember the dedications me and Vero would make to the guys and home girls we were currently hanging out with. There's so many oldies that I know the words to by heart such a trip how no matter how long I haven't heard a song I know the words. I love oldies it definitely represents a time in my life. it's a mark. I trip out how much we idolized that movie. Of course there was Boulevard Nights, and American Me, that came after but nothing had such an impact as Mi Vida Loca. I remember how Vero saw the movie first and told the story of the 3 dots. oh god was that the tattoo we tried to have everywhere, in the sides of our fingers, on our knees, our wrists lol, I laugh now thinking back how into that lifestyle I was. I remember my mom used to joke how Nike Cortez better make a high heel one day if I ever get married. I would only wear Nike Cortez, Had to have the darkest lipstick, my mom would tease that it looked like I had Chocolate all over my lips, the points with the lip pencil, I dressed more like the tom boyish chola, baggy pants, creased up, charlie browns, oh god my hair half up, or tryed to tease, my mom would say it looked like my bangs got hit by a Fan! Everything was "Firme", Hyna, all the low rider drawings, the dark nail polish, The Cover Girl compacts in the pack pocket, omg the Loks, ay dios talk bout not haven a clue, although I was a faithfull fan of Aqua net, my mom refers to it as "Cha Cha net" I will only use that hair spray to this day if I ever wear it. I never shaved my eye brows!. if I went out with anyone had to wear Cortez, had to have the "uniform". I remember the letters to our homeys or peeps in Jail we would write to. We saved all the drawings. I remember trying to get to the mail first so my mom wouldn't freak out if I got a letter and how every single one started out with "By the time you reach this letter I hope it finds you and your family in the best of health" LOL... My mom knew the lifestyle very much, my family knew the lifestyle, shit they were in it and of course would tell me the reality but knew it was a phase, I run into people now who see me and trip out how much I changed. I remember visiting my old apartment and my neighbor still lived there, she was like "I thought you probably had a kid, married a cholo". I got out of that around 17? Now, I cringe at the pictures. Right now I'm still listening to the commentary as they speak over the movie and the scenes. I remember the song "Scandalous" by Psycho Realm. I am a huge fan so when I met them I was like oh shit!!!!. Now working for them it's like not only an honor for me for being such a fan for so long and thousands of others but it's like a lil something to me because of that time. That soundtrack was so huge, I think it's like a chapter of my life. Now that I'm older and so far from the whole lifestyle I see the youngsters, things have changed dramatically kinda like it's dwindled a bit but still lives on. You grow and experience and no matter how many people who have been through it will try to warn you or tell you how it's realitiy is you either end up dead, in jail or paralyzed and it's true but you got to go through it to learn kinda like "you'll understand when you get older". Echo Park is something that you kinda wanna take a tour and trip out how this is a story that is real, yes it's a movie but obviously based on real life events. I recommend everyone check out the commentaries. I see so much of my youth in that movie. I remember the makeup, I remember how we tried to get the hand shakes down, the sign language for every letter in the alphabet, the 40's, the tattoos. Such a trip to me now. Good times.

You tell me, Is your music good enough?

ok for the simple minded ones, No .. I am not mad. A female can vent doesn't mean she's on her period or she's angry.. annoying when males usually reply with dumb ass messages. that's another vent for another day lol.

it's called venting..

I get hit up everyday literally about a hundred with comments.. first off hella rude "YO CHECK OUT MY MUSIC, ADD ME TO UR TOP, LEAVE A COMMENT, PUT MY MUSIC ON UR PAGE"


BIG difference between "Please check out my music, let me know what you think" COOL! I dig that. that's polite and inviting.

I don't have time to play up to ego's
"Check out my music IF you think it's dope hit me up".

Imagine how many people would be sitting around waiting for someone to chase after them to promote their music, if they gave everyone that choice .

I do marketing and promotions, I can guarantee people will know who you are, now .. if they like your music and support you.. that's not in my power.

If you know your music is good, get at me. I've never been the one to say I am the queen of music/hip hop.

My opinion is just like everyone else's.. doesn't mean if I think your music is wack that YOU are.

You could be the illest lyricist to come out!
Music is universal.

example. I dont listen to the radio. So it offends me when people say Lil Wayne, Soulja Boy, Lil Jon is HIP HOP/Rap. I KNOW with every being in my soul they are wack. BUT they make MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS. They have "Dance steps" with their songs, it's catchy, millions of clueless people think thats what DOPE MUSIC is.. they think thats the SH*T! you got puppets doing their dance steps at clubs, partys and even award shows..
so yea WACK sells.. but to the people that eat their music right up .. it's their "JAM" .. they dont think it's wack! so if you ask me what I think of your music and I tell you I'm not really feelen it and I explain why. X, Y Z. in a positive way of course, and you take it like a man, your golden.

Not everyone will like your music.. thats life. and if you can't take it your in the wrong business. simply don't ask.

Now the funny ones are the FOOS who think I'm some broad that needs to be told "DAMN GIRL YOUR FINE CHECK OUT MY MUSIC BEAUTIFUL" so what if I do and I don't like it.. am I still so damn fine and Beautiful? I know the guys reading this who feel me are cracken up! Everyone makes music, Everyone and their momma literally.. makes beats.. It's hard as hell to get seen and heard. to stand out, when you know your mad talented. It's possible.

keep grinden!

My Memories of Brandii Ruiz R.I.P

*I wrote this in Nov. 2005.*

Today is July 18th 08-

Rosie, Brandii's mom just called. You can just tell her in voice she's still in mourning. I haven't talked to her like 2 years. I don't know if its cuz I basically grew up with them and Brandii is a year younger, But the tone in her voice is haunting. I asked her how she was and she replied "you know, hanging in there, unless you lost a child you coudn't imagine" and she was right. The way her and her husband loved their kids is beautiful. I told Rosie I wrote this blog. She sounded happy but I dont think she would want to read it. I hope her sister hits me up again.

What a reality check

November- -05

I felt the need to write this blog. I had a childhood friend named Brandii Ruiz. She passed away from a rare form of Lung Cancer a couple months ago. She was only 22.

Brandii was one of the nicest girls you have ever met. I know that sounds like something someone would say about a friend that has passed, but that is the honest truth. I know alot of people, but Brandii was one of those girls who just accepted everyone as they were, such a sweet girl, a rare spirit.

I first met Brandii when i was in my early years of Elementary school in Alhambra. We both went to after school care.

One Halloween night, me and my mom went trick-or-treating down our street, I had no idea Brandii lived there, Brandii's mother Rose answered the door, My mom and Rose became instant friends, They talked all damn night! My mom felt so bad i didnt get alot of candy she took me to the store! I played with Brandii and her younger sister Monica all night, from that night on we became friends.

Soon Monica started school with us, sometimes Rose would pick me up and take me to their house or my mom would pick Brandii and Monica up, we always had alot of fun.

Brandii's parents, Rose and George, a Police officer for Alhambra P.D. (Still the nicest cop you ever met!), Brandii's parents are really genuinly sweet people. I love them! Brandii's parents and sister are some of the rare people in this world, they are such good people. Words can't even describe them.

Rosie and George loved their girls. The kind of love that would make you want to be apart of their family. They always made me feel like that.

Brandii was a year younger than me. When I went to Highschool they moved to Whittier. We kept in touch here and there, My mom mostly with Rosie. The few times i saw them it was so amazing to see how beautiful Brandii and Monica kept getting!

I remember the first time i saw Brandii in the Hospital. It was Thanksgiving a couple years ago. I hadn't seen her or her family in a while. I remember seeing her parents outside her Hospital room. Rosie cried when she saw me, I couldnt belive i was visiting Brandii in a hospital.

When i walked in i saw Monica, and Brandii was in the bed, Smiling! just a big smile like if she was in her own room. She had tubes connected in her body. She had this tube connected to her lungs, to filter out some fluid or clots in her throat..I will never forget how much we made her laugh! I remember Rosie thanking me for coming, she made a comment on how making Brandii laugh helped her get some of the fluid out of her throat, I remember leaving the hospital and my mom holding back tears.

Brandy soon followed into remission, I remember my mom saying how she beat it, and how the family was going to Hawaii to celebrate, they needed a vacation!, When they came back the doctor said all wasnt good.

I remember visiting Brandii at her house. Her hair just growing back from Kemo Therapy i belive. She was usual Brandii, all smiles, seemingly carefree.. when Brandii went to her room, Rosie lost it, seeing Rosie, such a loving mother break down with that raw emotion, i couldnt imagine what it felt like, as I seen my mom console Rosie, I prayed Brandii would be better! I KNEW she would be.

Her father and her church held Bone Marrow drives, support ralleys, A couple months ago I got a call from my mom, Brandii past away. BRANDY PAST AWAY! WHAT THE FUCK?

Brandii, one of the sweetest humans on this earth? A great student in college, and a goal winning Track star? THAT BRANDII?

I went to the funeral, which was held across the street where we grew up. I couldnt belive i was at her FUNERAL. I heard God only takes the best, but Brandii? what did she do to die so young? I kept seeing this candle flicker above the podeium of where her friends and family speak. I imagined it was Brandii letting us know she was there and ok.

Even though i hadn't seen Brandii alot, but she was my friend. I love Brandii and her family. Now that the Holidays are here, I cant pray enough for Rosie, George and Monica to be at peace.

Such a loss, Brandii was and is a good person, her family is such loving people, why them? how can she just be taken? its not fair. I really have to belive that things happen for a reason...

If you search Brandii Ruiz, over 100 pages will come up. Her lfie, her struggle

I know Brandii is around us. I know she has to be, Angels are always looking over us. I can cry and I can be mad, but hey, she had a good life, she had the best family, and by being the person she was.. I KNOW she is in the BEST possible place in Heaven!


Why don't I look like a Lesbian?

I speak my mind, I'm very open.. I don't mind saying what I feel.

In the last year I have come to terms with something I have always known. I am a Lesbian.. ahh the L word.. how scary for some, and intriguing for others.

We live in such a world where everything HAS to be in a box, HAS to labeled HAS to be something we can DEFINE and stick a LABEL to. for what? for lazy ass people who are so IGNORANT. I get why stereo-types are made. But like time, things change, they evolve and are never what you ASSUMED because of what you were told.

There are many colors, shades, shapes, forms, etc. of people and "stereo-types".

My mom sayed to me the other day "why do you always have to wear rainbow bracelets, always promoting your gay".


--My mom is one of the most DOPEST souls to grace this earth. She doesn't care if I ever date a guy or girl (she would perfer me to end up with a dude and have grandkids- what parent doesn't, I am an only child) My mom just wants me to be with someone who makes me happy, regardless race, rich, poor, short, blind, etc.


So I explain to her I'm ALWAYS getting told 'You dont look Lesbian'. and I'm single sh*t! lol.

So what are Lesbians supposed to look like?

Even at gay clubs I still get asked "are you really gay or just Bi"

Have you ever noticed that when a male is to good looking it's always sayed "HE MUST BE GAY" or "DAMN HE'S TO FINE TO BE GAY" or the famous "WHAT A WASTE"
a waste of what? you think he would be perfect for a female? that they would like happily ever after? so Brad Pitt isn't a waste .. well thats not really fair cuz he is with 1 of the most gorgeous females on this earth (ooh and she did play GIA, thats another story for another day lol.


but what does looks have to matter? beautiful kids? I mean really?

if we speak about being vain... I have been told "your so pretty your ex is stupid to have left you"or "i thought you would have a girlfriend".. what does being "pretty" have to do with anything? obviously I am single so my appearance has nothing to do with compatibility in a relationship. Doesn't matter what you look like (yes, I know how many times do we hear that) but it's TRUE. If someone isn't in love with you doesn't mean cuz your good looking that will make up for that persons faults. and guess what.. what "pretty" is to you is not to someone else.

I have heard people say at times "He was cute when he doesn't speak" or "she's ugly inside" .

Halley Barry.. Stunning! .. her man cheated retarded! so looks has nothing to do with it. it's a shell.

we live in a vain society. it's pretty scary how judgmental and self indulgent as a society majority have become.

so why is it accepted for a male to be good looking and gay, thats the '"stereo-type"

crazy right? when Females are often mentioned in the bible and historic stories as Goddesses and the most "beautiful creature on earth" for who? for men? why cuz thats what god wants? cuz he created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve or Eve and Eve? LOL.

I'm not into religon but I respect all. I'm just making a point.

I think up till recently Gay/Lesbian was something not really accepted in our culture, sure we all have family members or knew a 1 or 2* in school. but now it's like the trend, every girl is Bi (usually when drunk) or everyone is all for gay rights. Dope. We now have gay marraige.. t.v shows, talk shows, etc.. bout time!

and yes we have all seen the *Dyke's, Butch* there are alot of terms, Femme, Lipstick Lesbian, Girly, Stud, Tomboy.

When did I know I was? well since I was like 5! ...

the comments i get . of course from guys. "You never had me thats why!" blah blah blah. but guess what I have. I have had sex .. I'm not a "virgin" whooopty doo, and guess what..

I tried.. and I didn't like. I have dated guys, had boyfriends, but I thought it was because I had to? if that makes sense? no one was forcing me but I really don't know alot of "Gay" people in my social surroundings, sure 99% of girls I know are Bi but not gay. I use to think and say I pick the wrong guys. but that wasn't it. I just wasn't interested in my soul. no matter how much I thought I was into a guy.. maybe that was my "PHASE"

So you know what I don't care that some of my friends say "it's a phase" , your just mad at guys right "now".... I think your just "confused"

Confused? NO human on this earth can feel what I feel, can understand what I am attracted to, what connections I have with a female. It's like me tell you what you are, what you like, and what gender you perfer.

stupid right?

I have ALWAYS felt comftorable with girls. the touch, everything I love it.

When a guy asks me.. "why do you like girls" simple answer.

Why do you?


I have 99% male friends. I love them, mad cool, always hugs hello and bye, all gravey. But when a foo I dont know or the few that hit on me and trys to touch me playen around.. Its uncomfortable feeling for me.

I like tomboys, I like tomboyish girls. no not cuz they look like guys.. it's just something I find MAD sexy. I dont like girls that act like guys. I don't like "toys" Im' not your "typical" Lesbian. I hope a new word is created cuz i dont really like lesbians but not everyone is in the world I am.

Nothing is wrong with being Bi either. I totally believe you can be seriously attracted to both genders.

THESE ARE MY OPINIONS, I'm not gonna debate something so personal with people, if you dont believe it coo but you can not say NO SUCH THING AS BI .. cuz I KNOW SOMEONE , BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHH

every single one of us is unique like a finger print. I can't possibly go into someone else's dna and change their strain.. it's who they are.

and yes, much like society there are always the ignorant ones. Have you ever noticed when you say "I KNOW" someone is always there to say "NO YOU DON'T" or try to debate you.

Damn, let people be! lol

straight is a gender... doesn't mean they are a different being, a different human or specie.. its just a matter of how they like to get sexual!!!!

comedy how people assume so fast gays can't have kids or adopt for the fear of "molestation".. really? so do the homework on how many "straight" men are in for child abuse, molestation and rape.

you know its not bout being gay or straight.. have you ever thought it's part of HUMAN NATURE? before you freak out by what I just sayed it's not in EVERYONES Human Nature, it's a EVIL AND DISGUSTING trait but it's not fair to put such horrific violations on one's sexual prefrence.. ya dig?

Now what I think is the most HILARIOUS sh*t ever is when macho guys I know Freak like a lil F*cken girl when some gay guys are around, they act like bees are going to attack.. and most of the time.. trust.. the gay dudes are SO not interested in them lol. talk about flatter yourself.

I totally understand why they don't agree with their lifestyle cool. but seriously to go out of your way when they probably aren't even giving you a glance.. it aint that serious lol they dont have "cuddies". they dont have some special gay fairy dust just waiting to spray on you...

Its like animals, you dont have to like them but you don't have to go out of your way to make them suffer or abuse them. It's sad I have use this analogy when speaking of other people, it's sad I have to speak of "gays" in a sense where they are not normal or a fellow person.

It's a sexual preference.. educate yourself. yes.. there will be the ones who start the stereo-types, and there will be the ones who give others a bad name.. THATS EVERYTHING IN EVERYTHING WE DO AND KNOW.. GOOD AND BAD.. HEROIC AND EVIL.

yea I was off topic but I kept the theme going ...

So I still don't know what a lesbian is SUPPOSED to look like other then what society thinks we look like.

But you know me, I'm a human, person, daughter, friend, and I like girls. My name is Alexis. I hope I won't have to add Lesbian to my name.

I don't mind questions, but stupid over the top unnecessary ones.. I can do without.

People change their mind. How many older females have kids, had a husband are now with lesbian, OR DONT EVEN CONSIDER them self lesbian, they just fell in love with a female and thats who they want to spend their life with.

people evolve, people grow , they change. they tried different things in their life and they have found what works for them.

Sometimes I even think I have Gay-dar, like I think and am so sure I know when someone is gay, they just won't "admit" it. I may play around but I dont press the issue, we are all made of half female and male.

blah blah blah. thats my story.

I told you it was long!