Tuesday, May 5, 2009

My Ego

I don't know what to really blog about, just kind of felt like it..

I think if my previous blog about Haters was a bit shorter, I could follow it my self without skipping through the paragraphs lol..

power of suggestion..

These days and weeks are going by so fast, now imagine if I would have kept up my good eating and crap, how much I would have lost already??

My ego (not the superficial ego most prolly think I'm talken bout), Ego as in the spiritual ego, the one that can be stubborn.. here's a quote I took from a site

Because ego's greatest fear is its own death, it keeps a fanatical vigilance over its survival. Try and remove your ego, and you will have started a war.

That is so true. I deal with it everyday, it tests me. I remember describing my frustration with myself to my friend Janice.. I told her sometimes I feel like I sabbotage myself, like I'm on my own enemy, a little voice (no voice just a metaphor to describe) that will give me the okay to eat something I know I shouldn't or say something I know I shouldn't.. the things that are bad for me but I do it because I'm afraid if I don't.. well I'm to afraid to find out

that's when Janice told me it's my Ego. We all have it. I like to think of it as that saying "You are your own worst Enemy"

But she also explained that it served me to protect me when I was young but now that I'm older it's getting in my way. So of course I have that soft side in me where I don't want to leave it, because I have been left through out my life, I know the pain and I can't just diss it because it's like "thanks for getting me through all these years, now you don't fit in my life so PEACE!

I can't do that, my ego knows my weakness, but at the same time it holds me back. It's my bestfriend but "what nourishes me destroys me".

I do believe God gives us what we can handle, and we are here to learn lessons, I don't have a bad life and I'm truely blessed, but even in the ways I'm blessed there is some dark there thats a crutch for me, only my close close friends know what I mean by that, because when my blessing in disguise is no longer there, my biggest truest test in my life will come into play it will literally be sink or swim, the thing about that is.. I could swim but I rather sink because I've manifested my ego into setting me up to fail, that even if I wanted to prove to myself I can make it.. I don't think that I will.

Who knows ... maybe my life will continue as such, basically carefree but then again I don't know what lays ahead, I'm assuming and I believe I set out the twists and turns of my life with god before I was created in this life time.. My life is a bit to surreal to be normal..

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Hated on-How I learned not to take it "Personal"

yep I sayed it PERSONAL.

Basically it's about someone either intimidated, jealous, honest, fearful, ignorance and looking for a reaction.. in themself. It's a reflection.

I'm glad I can can see the weakness in the negative thats put out there, to me it's like the bullet or arrow of hate, negativity, etc shooting straight at me.. in my mind it stops in front of my face and goes back right to that person ten fold. and that my dear is probably how the old children quote goes

"I'm Rubber & Your Glue.. whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you".

I don't know how many times people will act real mean to me, real fucken stupid for what I think is no reason, I haven't sayed anything to them and they are already treating me or looking at me a certain way.. so when I notice this, I tend to go up to them and speak to them in a nice way, 99% of the time we become good friends, the usual reason is because of what someone sayed about me, or they were intimidated, they assumed I would be a bitch cause of what I look like or who I work for or what I do.. But when they get to know me they see it was an assumption and we all know what happens when we assume...

you make an ASS out of U and ME -ASSUME .....

of course it's hard not to be a bitch back with someone who is coming at you stupid, but I have learned, especially if I never met them OR know that this person probably is coming at me stupid because of who they kick it with.. so I make it a point to be extra nice and friendly, not fake.. I am a natural butterfly anyway so I like to meet people.

I once got into it with someone who wanted to look macho and big shit, when clearly he was looking like an ass.. he told me when I confronted him "Don't take it personal" this dude straight made a threat LATINABEATZ.. hard to take it personal though right? I was so mad at that statement "don't take it personal" nigga you straight directed AT ME. Get the fuck outta here with that mind game bullshit.

But you know what.. now knowing him, he's still an ass but I get his tantrum, and it really wasn't towards me personally, I mean it was but his stupidity had alot more to do with his situation and he used me to go to battle with cause 1, he stupidly thought I wouldn't attack back.. and 2, In his mind he probably let out some of his frustrations that had nothing to do with me personally but of who I was associated with and a sprinkle of the infamous "Miss communication leads to Complication"

When I would argue with my mom for instance, she won't argue back and she would say when all was done "Just cause I don't have the last word doesn't mean you were right" and thats true.

BUT DAMNIT THE LAST WORD FEELS OH SO GOOD RIGHT? Thats true for me sometimes but not all..

Now I get it.. so when somoene wants to go back and forth, I let them have the last word cause you know theyre gonna be sitting there like an ASS pumped up waiting for that interaction, ready to go at it.. and they're gonna be sitting there for a while waitin for it LMAO.

I am a gifted smartass, sometimes I think I could make mad money, I should be an emcee I'm fast and seriously a gifted sarcastic person, mix that in with an attitude, not cute, especially when I was 13, that's all I heard "Attitude" my attitude problem, but honestly mostly everyone I know can cop an attitude so I wasn't the only gifted asshole.. to me they just didn't like what I sayed because I learned very early in my life to defend myself I could chew you up and spit you out with my words. I learned it from my grandmother.

But you know what that served me well when I was young, but not anymore, I am grown enough to know that it's not cute anymore and I pick my battles , sometimes I catch myself going off on someone and seeing someones face like "Damn that was harsh" I'll go toe to toe with a dude and cuss him out like if he was a bitch, I hang out with dudes, and well.. I'm good at it, but doesnt mean I have to engage in drama like that.

so maybe this blog has more to do of my "justifications" of my "attitude" .. actually funny thing is I haven't used the word "attitude" or heard anyone make any remarks of mine for years..

oh yea.. so I see things differently.

I see how the word hate can be used different ways. , I see it as the following -Hate, Jealousy and the way a person truely feels.

Have you ever heard "If your not getting hated on, your not doing shit"

now we all get negative shit sayed about us right? we all say negative things about people right?

I have been "Hated" on a shit load, some people went out of their way to say things about me for no reason just to get other people to dislike me, which I'm glad to say that even to this day I get messages from those people who believed the shit saying how wrong they were in thinking of me the way they were told to.

I use to cry, get hurt and really internalize the bad things, the horrible things, the SHIT THAT NEVER FUCKEN HAPPENED that people sayed did. Or the way they would say I was, or blah blah blah.

but you know what, after many years, I LAUGH .. I LAUGH and it actually flatters me, because I know my truth, so 1 thing I tell people when they hit me up asking for advice on what to do with haters is, smile. Think about it, these people are going OUT OF THEIR WAY spending THEIR ENERGY about you? when in reality what they are saying is out of malice that comes from their own insecurity, feel bad for them, they need a fucken hug or 2.

The words someone says negative to you or about you shows more about their character, flaws and issues more then the false lies being blamed and associated with you.

Thats how you have to think about it, and we all know the internet is a haters fucken paradise right?

I heard this quote from Dave Navarro, when asked by of course..who else TMZ what he thought about Pam Anderson and whoever she was divorcing, he replied "I'm not emotionally invested in their relationship" GOLDEN.

I also learned misery loves company, I learned not to give in and go at it, instead I kill them with sarcastic kindness, at times I can be condescending, and others I just don't even reply, they want that fight, they NEED THAT CONNECTION, to some it's like the only attention they can get or think they can get is to piss you off..

lets talk about Negative attention, it's easier to obtain then positive right? how often will you get messages from someone, and not pay attention but the minute they put something negative in the subject line your ready for war?

I get my share of rude and cruel comments from guys, and I know why.. cause they think I would probably reject them or they are intimidated by me for whatever reason .. oh I know cuz I don't like to be called Mami and Sexy, so since they are prolly afraid of conversing with a chick who can converse back , and since they can't flirt and I'm not gonna fuck them, OH MY THEY ARE AT A LOSS FOR WORDS. . so they say something stupid cuz they prolly assume by my assertiveness which I call respect for myself that I'm gonna be mad stuck up right?


It's such a cliche but I find it true. I say whats on my mind, and Im a "Bitch" but if a man does it, well he's the man.

I know for a fact I'm not a bitch. I'm a really cool ass person, I just have boundaries with people.

So sure I get hated on.. but in reality for someone to take the time to speak about me in a ill mannerism says more about them then me. and how sad for them their point of view is such in a negative box that they are trapped in.

Now there are some people who well.. hate on someone cause they really just don't like what that persn is doing, I don't think the person is jealous I really think the person is speaking their opinion.

Sure there are people who are assholes, and who are whores, so some may feel it's not hate calling them such, it's "Calling them as they see them"

I have a friend who is very negative, always says something about someone, either in public or wherever and its kind of draining..I tell this friend you got so much bad karma coming to you it ain't even funny.

sometimes people hate on another person because of what they secretly wish they had, or had the balls to do that or look like that.

look I'm not a fucken angel, I'll say my shit about people but it's usually shit I know to be true.

I don't think talking about someones handicap is cool, I actually think less of a person for that, I don't think talking about someone who is slow or over weight or what clothes they have on, what if the person can't afford new clothes, you never know what's really going on with someone.

I think everything goes back to compassion.

Sure our friends will say something about a ex's new boyfriend/girlfriend to cheer us up, or what was wrong with the ex, or someone who made you feel bad, there are always plenty of bad things to say about someone right? but it hurts like hell when it happens to us.. especially "assumptions".

Some people think I'm a "Grouppie" or had to do shit with people to get where I'm at or work for who I work for or do what I do, or have the connects I do, now it never really bothered me because I know I didn't have to do shit.. so mind you how good it feels to know I work for some of the illest because I have a talent that never had anything to do with spreading my legs. I don't fuck with emcees or groups, etc.. if you know me you know this is the 100% truth. I don't let anyone flirt with me or call me stupid names, I'm about my business and thats the reason why I work in a male dominated scene with no problems, no bad reputation or rumors, and if there are rumors it's from those who don't know..

"Don't argue with fools, cause people from distance can't tell who is who"

So to those who think other wise, it says more about what they would probably think they would have to do to get where I'm at. In reality in my truth I never had to ever lower myself. Business men don't want grouppies handling their career or money, remember that, they don't want to flirt with a broad who's handling their business.

They don't see gender with me, cause I keep it business.

It's sad and hurtful that for some to feel better about them self they need to put others down.

however, I've blogged on this before, about those who need to bring you down, a group could praise you and tell you how nice you are or what they loved about your project, etc and there has to be 1 to rain on your parade, that usually comes from insecurity, jealousy and god forbid to them you think of yourself highly.

Confidence is key, but also compassion and acknowledging the good in others is good Karma.

Don't forget the Universe is very powerfull and before I get into the whole spiritual thing, seriously I'll just leave it as this, Karma is real

Kids, Teachers, People weren't the nicest to me growing up, I know what hate is, I know the deep pain of it, trust me. Cruel, Horrible, Unnecessary hate I know it well directed right at me since I was little. So I try to tell people when they ask me for advice or if I see someone getting picked on..

when I see anyone getting picked on, even adults, I always talk to them, always let them know it's the person attacking them who probably admires something or feels threatened by them .. that in a way they should be flattered, yes it hurts and yes the bad ego in ourselves sometimes will think "this person sayed this this and this.. and they are right I am that that and that" and we just can't think like that..

Someone once told me a really cruel comment, I know he sayed it out of anger because 2 seconds before I turned him down I was a fucken god to him.. so he made a comment about my weight, of course guys always go there, so since we know the same people, I told some of my friends who happen to be actually heavy what he sayed bout me.. and well they weren't to happy with him because if he was calling me names, imagine what he would be thinking of them?

Some people will hate on you because in their mind it's easier to write you off, literally set you up to fail , they will treat you a certain way because they know you will obviously act negative back and POOF you proved them right.. WRONG. Those are the worst.

I can see alot of hate from someone comes from their own issues, fear and ignorance.

When you don't internalize .. meaning you don't take literally and blame yourself for thinking you are what that person sayed.. you are free.. sure it hurts and sometimes people will say things about you knowing what your weakness's or what your fear of being called are.. and to me those are the coward.. bitch ass people, they are less then you.. so again.. wish them love in their life.

You know what else bothers me but I totally get it.. when someone says something they know will hurt you.. I've been there, seeing someone, and I would say what would hurt me or what that person does that just crumbled me and this person would specifically do it for a fucken Reaction sure I would get hurt, cry, etc.. but you know what looking at it now.. especially in relationships where I see this pattern, this person wasn't dominating or had all the power, in reality I DID. It took me a while to it took me a while to learn that..

as with bullies, and those who pick on the weak.. they aren't really stronger or tougher, if anything they want to attack the good in you to kill it because they either fear it, want it or wish they had it.

I went off topic but hey I ramble oh well =)

and another thing, if you don't fucken like someone then why follow them? why voluntarily follow them on Myspace or on Twitter? then talk shit for everything they say? lol apparently you must like something about them..

If you don't like my blogs, then why read them?
majority cause you want to know what Im gonna say, am I going to mention you? am I going to "prove you right" by saying something bitchy so you can write me off as one forever and totally disregard the good shit?

The Opposite of Love isn't Hate it's drum roll please... dun dun dun.... it's..

not saying anything if you don't have nothing nice to say.

Try say something nice about someone, or to someone, appreciation and gratifcation are amazing highs..

I can't stand when people say nice things just to say it when they don't really mean it, this is major for me, I just don't respect people like that. When your genuine it means the world to someome, don't butter someone up or give a fake compliment, thats horrible.

How bout really not giving a fuck of what someone is doing or who they are doing or what they are wearing or blah blah blah

1 of my favorite tracks ever is "LOST ONES" from Lauryn Hill..

It's funny how money change a situationMiscommunication leads to complication My emancipation don't fit your equation I was on the humble, you - on every station
Some wan' play young Lauryn like she dumb
But remember not a game new under the sun
Everything you did has already been done
I know all the tricks from Bricks to Kingston
My ting done made your kingdom wan' run
Now understand L. Boogie's non-violent
But if a thing test me, run for mi gun
Can't take a threat to mi newborn son
L's been this way since creation
A groupie call, you fall from temptation
Now you wanna ball over seperation
Tarnish my image in you conversation
Who you gon' scrimmage like you the champion
You might win some but you just lost one

You might win some but you just lost one
You might win some but you just lost one
You might win some but you just lost one
You might win some but you just lost one

Now, now how come your talk turn cold
Gained the whole world for the price of your soul
Tryin' to grab hold of what you can't control
Now you're all floss, what a sight to behold
Wisdom is better than silver and gold
I was hopeless nowI'm on Hope road
Every man want to act like he's exempt When him need to get down to his knees and repent
Can't slick talk on the day of judgement
Your movement's similar to a serpent
Tried to play straight, how your whole style bent?
Consequence is no coincidence
Hypocrites always want to play innocent
Always want to take it to full out extent
Always want to make it seem like good intent
Never want to face it when it's time for punishment
I know that you don't wanna hear my opinion
But there come many paths and you must choose one
And if you don't change then the rain soon come
See you might win some but you just lost one

You might win some but you just lost one
You might win some but you just lost one
You might win some but you just lost one
You might win some but you just lost one

You might win some but you really lost one
You just lost one, it's so silly how come
When it's all done did you really gain from
What you done done, it's so silly how come
You just lost one

Now don't you understand man universal law
What you throw out comes back to you, star
Never underestimate those who you scar
'Cause karma, karma, karma comes back to you hard

You can't hold God's people back that long
The chain of Shatan wasn't made that strong
Trying to pretend like your word is our bond
But until you do right, all you do will go wrong
Now some might mistake this for just a simple song
And some don't know what they have 'til it's gone
Now even when you're gone you can still be rebornAnd, from the night can arrive the sweet dawn
Now, some might listen and some might shun
And some may thinkg that they've reached perfection
If you look closely you'll see what you've become
'Cause you might win some but you just lost one

You might win some but you just lost one
You might win some but you just lost one
You might win some but you just lost one
You might win some but you just lost one

You might win some but you really lost one
You just lost one, it's so silly how come
When it's all done did you really gain from
What you done done, it's so silly how come
You just lost one

Friday, May 1, 2009

Fresno Trip -Update

What a difference ... 2 weeks is? lol

Seems like working out 2 hours a day was so long ago. I think actually that Friday was the last time I actually worked out. .I did go to the gym that night, worked out 2 hours on the elipictial. I worked out so hard that it was hard for me to walk the next 2 days which was the weekend, and I didn't do so well

Monday came and I had a busy ass morning. I was leaving to Fresno for the day. Fresno is about 4 hours away from L.A, where I live. I had to get ready, then head out to get weighed, which I gained 2 ounces, yea.. 2 ounces, I worked out 2 hours a fucken day.. but I think what I ate that Sunday had something to do with it. Anyway I presented my goal which I did semi reach to the chick she looked at me stunned why I wasn't freaking out. I didn't tell her I ate like crap over the weekend. She sayed it must be my body holding on to water.

Look I was surprised 2 ounces and yes I know to much excercise can actually add to your weight, be it muscle, whatever, blah blah blah.. but in a week? so as I held back tears and smiled I had to go to Ventura pick up Bambi, who I manage. Bambi was to be in Fresno at a signing for a art show later that afternoon.

Already not feeling comftorable in my skin, I was in tow for the hour away ride thinking to myself like, trying not to be hard on myself, but come on, I'm on my own worst enemy, give myself a break? lol yea right....

So I get to her pad, her homeboys who are the SHIT! mad cool peoples, we took off, I drove.. it was kinda funny how we got there mad early, they teased I was speeding, there was just no traffic actually.. I did however, weave in and out of some feds.. oops =)

We get to Fresno, me and Lisa had never been, it wasn't really all that different. I was totally surprised, I think all of us were at how fucken dope the art show was. It was held at The Chop Shop, a barbor shop. Not big at all but it was dope. Everyone that came through, and there was alot of gente, surprisingly, mad fucken cool, treated us like fucken celebs, Bambi sold all of her gorgeous posters!

The thing I really fucken loved was the music the DJ was playing, straight up HIP HOP all the Golden Era shit mixed in with the classic funk, soul & oldies, we were loven it, we didn't want to leave!

Bambi, Vinnie aka Skittles, Fred aka Sweetness, and myself.. had a fucken blast together.

Even some Psycho Realm fans came down and supported, it was good times for sure.

Here are some pics!

Luis & Bambi
Bambi with the paparrazi

So good times! then for the rest of the week, I didn't feel good, not sure why I think stomach flu?

anywho so now it's like almost 2 weeks later I guess and I had the fucken flu all this week.

I want to blog but I kinda have to be in the mood. Just thought I would share this.