Tuesday, May 5, 2009

My Ego

I don't know what to really blog about, just kind of felt like it..

I think if my previous blog about Haters was a bit shorter, I could follow it my self without skipping through the paragraphs lol..

power of suggestion..

These days and weeks are going by so fast, now imagine if I would have kept up my good eating and crap, how much I would have lost already??

My ego (not the superficial ego most prolly think I'm talken bout), Ego as in the spiritual ego, the one that can be stubborn.. here's a quote I took from a site

Because ego's greatest fear is its own death, it keeps a fanatical vigilance over its survival. Try and remove your ego, and you will have started a war.

That is so true. I deal with it everyday, it tests me. I remember describing my frustration with myself to my friend Janice.. I told her sometimes I feel like I sabbotage myself, like I'm on my own enemy, a little voice (no voice just a metaphor to describe) that will give me the okay to eat something I know I shouldn't or say something I know I shouldn't.. the things that are bad for me but I do it because I'm afraid if I don't.. well I'm to afraid to find out

that's when Janice told me it's my Ego. We all have it. I like to think of it as that saying "You are your own worst Enemy"

But she also explained that it served me to protect me when I was young but now that I'm older it's getting in my way. So of course I have that soft side in me where I don't want to leave it, because I have been left through out my life, I know the pain and I can't just diss it because it's like "thanks for getting me through all these years, now you don't fit in my life so PEACE!

I can't do that, my ego knows my weakness, but at the same time it holds me back. It's my bestfriend but "what nourishes me destroys me".

I do believe God gives us what we can handle, and we are here to learn lessons, I don't have a bad life and I'm truely blessed, but even in the ways I'm blessed there is some dark there thats a crutch for me, only my close close friends know what I mean by that, because when my blessing in disguise is no longer there, my biggest truest test in my life will come into play it will literally be sink or swim, the thing about that is.. I could swim but I rather sink because I've manifested my ego into setting me up to fail, that even if I wanted to prove to myself I can make it.. I don't think that I will.

Who knows ... maybe my life will continue as such, basically carefree but then again I don't know what lays ahead, I'm assuming and I believe I set out the twists and turns of my life with god before I was created in this life time.. My life is a bit to surreal to be normal..

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