Friday, January 30, 2009

prize fucken heffer!

I have been eating so much bullshit. Emotional eating? Okay ill go with that.. But what is "bothering" me? I'm not mocking the expression but I'm not depressed, not mad or angry

So why do I keep stuffing my face????

I do feel a bit distant from my angel readings but the in-print of practicing law of attraction, positive thoughts, blessings and etc are still with me just at a lower frequency is how I can best describe and explain it

Is my inner ego doing its usual?

I feel like I need to be popped. Someone pleaseee de-flate me!!!! I feel sooo huge, I just got my period so okay I see where the feeling of bloating comes from

I am super duper happy I got my period, I know my body well enough that I can loose a good 6 pounds that stay off. Way better then loosing water weight

I don't wanna go outside in the light. Oh how I love jackets and late night stores lol

Very uncomftorable.

fast food gripes, other shit that is annoying me

I'm on my cell. So excuse the typos!!!

Its Friday night but I aint singing "This is how we do it"

I'm not being bitchy, there's just some thing that annoy me. I tend to write when I'm annoyed. Blah

Yes its that time of the month but I'm not all evil and emotional as I usually get

However, some of my readers love these kind lol!

Well one is. I go to this fast food drive thru way to many times a week! It ain't Weight Watchers approved I'll tell you that much!

Anywho I order something very simple and I always ask for 2 red salsa's. This shit is soooo good I swear I can drink it! Plus its cheap as hell and oh so bueno!!!!

So sometimes 1 of the chicks isn't let's just say Employee for customer service of the month, now I have worked fast food and duh I know about customer service but I also know not everyone is having a good day. I get that. I was raised to call or leave a note of how well the service or person was blah

I'm not kidding I go there a lot, so much in fact I should be signing their paychecks as I drive up!

Now let's talk about Subway! I love subway. That's rich people food sometimes. Spending 5 bucks a day plus the added chips and drink? Everyday? I use to go there every fucken day!

Anywhoo when your getting a 6inch sub its not that wack if its not stuffed

But! If you get a footlong and its a veggie delite, its pretty wack when they put like 6 pickles on a motha fucken footlong! And they go so fucken fast!

Why do they scoop up the cup with ice? You get like an ounce of beverage! Yea I sayed beverage! Lol

Ohhhh and why do people hit me up and expect me to remember everything THEY selfish ass's got going on?

I don't got their ass on my google alerts, I'm not getten updates on twitter... I don't have their calender/schedule on mine!

Oh! And why do I have "followers" now? You know when I don't like someone at all I don't bookmark their myspace's or read their blogs, expecten to see my name in theirs. Vain ass's... I don't waste my time putten blasts out looken for attention

So if you don't like me, why do you read this? Why do you *care*? Cause ya do :)


You know what really drives me nuts, so much in fact I am offended?

Omg the way some people eat. I feel horrible but dude!!!!! I love this 1 person with every dna milistrand in my being but fucken shit I wanna strangle my self the way this person ... Not chews, in fact the lack there of.. And the sound of someone taking a "sip" of water or whatever they are drinking that gulp sound!!!!!!!!!!! Omg it drives me insane!!!!!!!!!!!

Have people lost common sense? Some things some people I know do... And don't do lol

I'm moody...... 4 more days :) lol jk!!

Oh and fuck manipulating and using bitches.....

Monday, January 26, 2009

My Grandparents-Almost non astranged?

I had a pretty interesting weekend. From my previous blogs, I have written about my "Family".

If I wrote out my whole life, the twists and turns, the NOVELA it truely is.. I would suspect it would be not only a Best Seller (Take my ass to New York! lol) but would also have a place in movie theaters, I can see people buying tickets now. lol. and I'm only 26

no dramatics here.. no "whoa" is me victim shit.

So my long battles with my "family" almost every member and there is an extensive. since birth.

This weekend was the "Grandparents Chapter"

My mothers parents Divorced in the 70's each re-married and are still married to their partners.

My mothers mother married a great man .. My mothers Father.. married the Devil.

I don't really wanna scrounge up the energy to elaborate on the dynamics of these people, as interesting and indulging as the drama is... This experience this weekend was positive, and I will glorify that for literal peace sake.

The relationship with my mothers mother who we will call Z.. frankly there is none, maybe now there could be but 26 years of really hostile and for me personally some of my issues and complex's do stem from her, But I have realized that alot of the shit I went through by her and other people didn't have to do with me personally but the shit she was going through.. kinda like people take things out on you, or lash out on you for their own drama or insecurities.

Z is NOT an easy person to get along with, She is Bi-Polar, didn't have the best life her damn self, so I get alot of shit now.
blah blah blah .. basically we really can not converse longer then maybe 5 minutes without me walking out and or all hell breaking loose, she has tried over the years but like I sayed.. I'm 26.. and she's her age.. we are both set in our ways..

So I have visited her and her husband a couple times here and there I actually wrote a blog on how I prayed to God, The Universe and Angels on a recent visit and how my visit with her was totally surreal of how good it went, me and her Husband get along very well. If anything, he is probably the only male ever in my life including DNA related or Married in.. who has ever been, Human with me.. for lack of better term (and no .. that is not why I'm gay lol)

So he asked me to help him move this weekend I sayed of course! He is a very well known Accountant, extremely wealthy, excellent people skills, the whole 9 years, gorgeous Office, etc.. He is just someone I want to learn from, and I have always found his company to be very enjoyable.

So Saturday morning I get there early, we all go to breakfast (I am bypassing alot)
blah blah blah, it was a good day, no arguements, no snide remarks, no criticism, no NOTHING.

Sunday, the same.. another day of packing and moving.. everything was cool. I don't mind cleaning Z's already immaculate house but shit I'm not her maid.

Now My mothers Father I have not seen since Thanksgiving of 06. That is the day I told his wife exactly what I wish would happen to her. Now this is a whole other drama.. lawdy! Basically I was no longer welcome at restaurant which she now runs, into the ground by the way.. when customers are spitting and threatening her.. GEE I wonder if thats a clue why her 1st husband tried to have a hit on her.. I'm just sayen...
This restaurant he has owned for over 50 years, it's very famous and I literally grew up there so yea... the bitch won that battle but then again I DON'T EAT PASTRAMI.. so if anything.. that saved me some calories..

ANYWHOOOOOOOO.. He sent me a bday card in 07, I sent him a thank you card, and so forth. His health is very Ill, legs have been amputated due to Diabetes.. he has literally the best meds and doctors money can ever buy but .. like they say.. "You can't buy your health".. he is around 80? loosing his eye sight, he's a noted photographer, so I know it;s hard. My mom is Daddy's little girl and she sees him every week, every Sunday, even though his devil'esque wife tried with all her being to separate that bond..

So.. His bday was in December and I sent him a B-Day card. A very sweet B-Day card. Me and him never really conversed, just like with my mothers mother.. I am visible when I am at a certain weight.. that is when I am "worthy" of his words. He often calls me the name of his wife's granddaughter.. so yea.. He's never been mean.. that would require a feeling or effort of some action on his part.. He's just not a kid person I guess.. or I dunno.. anyway.. He told my mom that he would really like to see me, my mom was kinda iffy but I guess he has been persistent.. so I sayed of course I would like to have Dinner with him .. after all except for the past 2 years I spend alot of time with him.. at least in the same room.

So as I was tryen to relax at Z's pad till my mom came over to get me to meet up with her dad.. me and Z went to donate some stuff.. one thing Z is .. is not selfish, I think thats where my mom gets her compassion and willingness to help anyone, think of others, etc.. so we had a good time Donating..and checken out the stuff.. anyway she still can drive me FUCKEN NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she is not always a WELL woman and I learned how to chew people up and spit them out with my words.. sure enough comes from the both of us at it.. oh no lol.

She kept fucken asken me to clean this, clean that.. vacuum this.. Now I don't mind here and there but when I get up at 6am.. helped move some heavy shit for a couple hours.. I'm tired.. I ain't tryen to keep her pad which already is immaculate .. clean.. she expects me to know what she is thinking.. so the problem we have is the tone she interacts with me .. which starts the whole fight process... I'm counting the hours till my mom picks me up!

kinda surreal.. to actually spend that much time with her and her husband.. then to visit my moms dad.. these are my "Grandparents" which I have actually only been referring to them as such for the last 3 weeks? I can't give titles to people who I can't associate the actually definition of the title such as "Grand" mother/father.

So my mom gets there and were off to visit her Dad. I wasn't nervous.

He sees me and I give him a huge and he actually doesn't let go. He says that he has missed me, and I forgot what else I kinda just tuned it out.. not to be a bitch but it was weird for me I don't think I knew how to process that.

Dinner was good...He has a pretty smart ass personality, funny.. the dinner went really well, complimented me which I even know I wasn't looking my best, He didn't ask me anything about what I have been up to or doing, he didn't ask me anything about myself.. like usual and I was glad. It's usually all about him and thats fine with me.

He is in failing health and I know this has been really hard on my mom bad enough she has to deal with 2 -only science- could explain Women in her life.. Mother and Step-Monster from hell (I am SO NOT BEING DRAMATIC, I'M SO SERIOUS) , but he's still alive and kicken. It was very nice Dinner and I look forward to the next time. I don't know what the entity he's married to will say.. maybe he will re grow some balls and not give a fuck.....

I know it made my mom tear up to see her dad welcome me like that, besides myself her father is the only other important human on this earth to her.

So yea.. thats my story with my "grandparents"

It's just weird to like have that family or kind of family experience or whatever .. for lack of better description.. I'm just not used to it.. I was surrounded growing up by tones of DNA considered "family" but far from what I would think, and what I see from my friends family who treat me like family.. the way it's supposed to be..

as far as Z it's good to take baby steps with her.. to be honest my mom has been everything to me and has given me so much love that I never seek it from anyone or anything. I know we can't change our "Family" I actually see it as a blessing because as fucked up as each side is... I learned from their behaviors and from their mistakes, I will NEVER be as harsh, cruel, mean, hurtful and abuseful as them. My "Fathers" side as prime example.

I do respect Z, her husband and my moms dad however, for at least trying to be apart of my life, and I need to allow them, and if it doesn't change, well at least we all know we really tried. Either way there's a reason and lesson for everything and anything.

OH! so there was a couple things I got when we went to donate some stuff.. we hit the thrift store where stuff is being sold..

I got the cutest watch! gorgeous!

I'm not really into oriental pieces, and small bags for that matter.. but I saw this bag I fell in love with!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Blessed by weight?

I was conversing with someone right now and the subject came up about appearance. Living in L.A I think it's an unconscious thought pattern how we view ourself. Hollywood, shit SO. Cal in general is the hot spot, sure there is Vegas, Miami, etc . Less is more especially with clothes and of course. weight.

I have my own issues and complex's with my weight and my appearance.

I struggle with it every single moment.. I notice around this time of course because it's January the ones who are all dedicated to the Gym, eating right, etc..

I had mentioned before how Oprah sayed "God Blessed me in this body" and it's true.. I wrote about this a couple times

God blessed you, in the shell of your body, he doesn't bless those who weigh a certain amount, there is no weight requirement.

I have that in my head where I value my own self on a number, It was taught unknowingly to me from my Grandmother who is stunning.. and totally normal thin.. but has her own issues.

I wrote a blog very recently about my "AHA" moment, how I asked the Angels to send me a little pick me up or something so I can get back into the swing of wanting to excercise as the cards they speak to me in has been telling me. Sure enough Jilian Michaels from The Biggest Looser starts talking about how it's not really the weight, it's not really the food the person is using it's why they are eating. What are you really hungry for? most are emotional eaters, I tend to eat debating on my emotions, sometimes I get addicted to a certain food type, like cookies for 2 weeks, then a certain restaurant for a week, it's weird.

I have almost pin pointed the general realization of why I always go up and down with my weight, I think it's an expression of whats going on in my life.. and other issues I won't go into so, I think once I conquer why, I will finally have a stable weight.

One thing I choose to believe is, god only gives you what you can handle, and more important, I will continue to go through this cycle until I learn the lesson, then I move on to the next.

thats my little 2 cents, for those that have these concerns as well

I have written alot bout weight in these blogs. I still swear not only by Skinny Bitch Vegan Life Style but the next best thing I SWEAR TO YOU is Weight Watchers, if you follow it, it really works and if you chose not follow don't blame the program because it's as easy as your gonna get to eating what you want and loosing weight..

anywho. thats my tid bit for today.

OH and by the way I bought Ms Michael's "30 Day Shred" OH MY GOD IT KICKED MY ASS IN THE FIRST LEVEL, IN THE FIRST 3 MINUTES I WAS SORE! so take caution! stretch!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Random stuff about today, etc..

So much on my mind.. so many dope things to post..but I'm gonna post a few..

So a couple times last week I had some people ask me what happened to my photo album on Myspace with Hip Hop Shows?

I usually post all hip hop shows in a folder to check but sometimes Myspace doesn't accept some of files, so I took them off.. been off for a minute, to my surprise a couple actually rememberd.. So I thought I would start my own Blogsite for just Hip Hop shows, so I did and thanks to PSYKO who does all my flyers.. he is extremely gifted!!!

He made this for me!

I named it Streets 2 Stages, co signed by Demics! lol =)

Here's the flyer PSYKO made

I have written before on how fucken annoying it is when idiot's send me comments/messages demanding me with the following "ADD ME, SIGN MY GUEST BOOK, COMMENT MY PICS, COMMENT MY TRACKS, PUT ME ON YOUR TOP FRIENDS, TELL YOUR PEEPS ABOUT ME, BUY MY MUSIC, CALL ME GOD, DO MY LAUNDRY" blah blah fucken blah

THAT SHIT IS SOOO ANNOYING! First of all it ain't personable nor professional. How the hell you gonna hit up everyone with that shit? IF you ever make it.. who are you going to thank? you expect people WHO YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW to abide by your insulting and rude ass "Approach"..

See I personally get this shit all the time because of what I do, I get peeps want me to check out their shit.. but seriously though.. I'm the first one to tell anyone to market themself everywhere, but there is a way to do it.. and the way I described, is ghetto and fucken gay.. and not even the good gay.. 99% of the time their music/swag is WACK-A-LA.. can't be a superstar if you haven't even had the time to rise my friend...

I get alot of artists, however, who politely ask me to peep their tracks, lots of them.. very approachable, very inviting and very patient. Those are the ones who are serious because thats what makes you want to be a fan..

Ever notice how you support and follow someone MORE because they are nice to you? they show you love? they treat you like a person?


So I told them both, to come correct or get corrected, I broke it down the right way to approach someone you want to hear your music in a friendly professional way.. well 1 cholo-orale-homey wrote back "WHATEVER U A TRICK ASS HOE BITCH, U SUCK DICK, REMEMBER MY NAME YOU WILL SEE ME BLOW UP"

LMAO! I don't even do Dick.. but right there that shows you.. his ass ain't going no where...............

I thought it was funny.

anywho......I lost my Trackball again!!!!!! my lil homey! I have found it everytime I lost it.. My angels even helped me last week when I lost it! and now I don't know where it B! I can't navigate my blackberry with out it! wack! I am blessed that I have a phone.. it's even more of a blessing when I have my trackball! lol!

Business seems to be off to a good start, got a couple new clients I will post about shortly! =)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Proof God, Angels,Universe sends me messages!

I have to correct the spelling, I wrote this from my cell

I meant to write this topic the other day but ahhh I get distracted its like I have to "set the mood" but then I get interested in the mood I set

Props to Demics for sending me a article written by a writer. Helpful tips. So I find its easier for me to blog on my phone at the moment

Okay so I've had my ups and downs like usual. I wrote a blog that was real dark. I took it off but saved it.

Like last Sunday I believe, I went from welcoming death to choosing life. Kinda cliche "I choose life" lol I choose to live. Reminds me of the Kings of Queen episode anywhoooo

As I was sitting on my couch I was thinking about the book I have been currently reading "Messages From Your Angels"-By Doreen Virtue. Its an awesomeeee book!!!!!! I have her Angel Oracle Cards
In it it explains how God is within us, this book is not about religion at all. Just explains about the Angels, Deceased loved ones, God and the Universe including our spirit guide. Ill write a review on this book shortly my long ass point... I am here for a reason and when I think God is within me, I can do anything. The fact my ass is still on earth means I'm here for a purpose and I am slowly recognizing and embracing my gifts.
I'm just gonna get to the point. Ok so Wednesday morning I wake up in the morning! (I was going to sleep at 6,7 or 8am n waking up around 5pm, Depression was back)

Sooo I wake up I thank God, The Universe and The Angels for blessing me, I thank them for everything I mean every slight thing! I also say I'm going to have a Joyous day over and over. I got my phone turned on! Blessing! I check my email and its my mom's mom.. We have always had a very dysfunctional "relationship" very very rocky a lot of resentment and anger so she asks me to come over and help her clean. I say sure.

I say to myself how lucky am I I have a grandmother who is still alive

For the fact I called her Grandmother was a hugeeee step

I kept thanking the Universe and God for blessing me to spend time with her, that she is alive and I can help her

So I get there and instead of the critical fight starting words she calls me cutey pie... When I know I'm looking like crap-ola! Big smile and hug. Hmmm ok...

So I get straight to work start vacuuming her already immaculate house. All the while I go over every single person, thing I am thankful for

Before I left my house I put a little drop of Prosperity Oil my friend Janice gave me! I put it on my cell and rubbed it on my car.

So I start cleaning, and she starts praising everything I do I'm like wow this is totally due to the positive affirmations and thinking

I thought to myself as I was cleaning her glass table with pictures.. How I would arrange then and If I asked would she let me? Yea right...

So later on she says if I want I can arrange the pictures if I was a decorator anyway I want

What!!!!!!!! I laugh to myself total law of attraction!

So I do... She comes out with this adorable ass Guess Purse for me. I love it minus the little leather embroideries. Then she gives me some bracelets... I love jewelry!

1 big issue is my phone. She has always had a issue about my phone, mostly because I am forever on it. 1 thing I don't like anyone tellen me when to get off my fucken phone. We have gotten into arguments over it.
She tells me to help her shred some papers and she wonders if I can do both...

I say: Do what?
She says: Be on your phone and shred at the same time

I'm like huh?? Just to keep things calm I wasn't on my phone I cleaned the whole time. I checked my phone here and there but was never on It longer then to send a text

I was like wow she was being totallllly considerate!!!!

So I get ready to leave and she gives me money, I don't want it, I tell her I came to help not expect to get payed. She says "this is spending money" I'm like okay cool! Thanks Prosperity oil!

So as I'm leaving I get a text about someone wanting some promo from me!

I forgot what else that day but yea.. Trippy!

So today is Saturday and I'm almost done with reading the book. I had bookmarked from where I left off yesterday I opened it today and I just happened to re-read where I left off. I wasn't going to initially but it was on the top of the page...and it read: "Seeing Signs; Finding a feather, a coin, a stopped clock, moved objects in your home, lights flickering , or other visual oddities let you know that an angel is saying "Hello, I'm here" to you. As I read "Feathers" I thought feathers? I knew I wouldn't have any in the house we are very anti-fur and or animal skin. Only thing that would have feathers would be from my pillow I bought years ago....

So as I read that I looked saw like what looked like a little thing of white lint sticking out of the prior pages that are clumped together (I am towards the end of the book)
And sure enough it was a Feather!!!!!!!!!
I will attach the picture!

How trippy is that right?

Little things here and there I become more intuitive and really believe because it happens to me. If I think of something as in like I guess manifesting it. It comes. Ill try this as in thinking of people to see if they hit me up, people I haven't heard from in a really long time and I do so far. It will continue. Key is to be positive because our thoughts become our environment

I have so much to learn. I write in my journal every night so I keep count of everything that goes on

Ill be reading "You Can Heal Your Life" by. Louise L. Hay. A remarkable book. I have read bits and pieces so far and I look forward to reading all of it

I really do like the Angel Readings I do on people. It helps them immensely, as myself when I do mine.

Anyway I think I'm gonna persue Energy Healing, and all that is connected.

I thank Janice for helping me and guiding me in a sense. There is a reason why we met! As I'm sure there is a reason you are reading this and probably thinking of getting the books I described above

What's really cool is I have people who ask me what books they should get.

I know there is many more awesome books, these 2 are just the ones I'm reading right now and I will be reading more along the way. I'm going to ask Janice and do some research of what books help people immensely.

So that's my story :)

Oh and I am proud of myself for my positive thinking

Oprah who also belives in Spiritual ways was talking about her weight gain, etc she sayed something very profound that I got

She sayed "God blessed me in my body" its true I visioned all of her success in her "shell" which is what I think she was referring to. For all of us who do have body issues. There is great affirmations and techniques to really be thankful. I know at first its a foreign concept to be thankfull for something you have, like myself, seen as the enemy, the problem, an embarrasment, flaw and enemy. Then again a body is a tool its a reflection *at times* of how we are feeling on the inside

Of course the inner beauty is different from outer for some

Its funny I see or hear people like on t.v speak about their vision boards or enery healing, law of attraction, etc and how god is in them

Before I would have rolled my eyes like oh god..

BUT I don't because I totallllly get it!

I've never been a religious person. I didn't really grasp God as something as I have discovered him now

When I say god is in me, he is and god is also within you, I truly understand god is everywhere so we all are as 1 and we are everything as everything is us

I'm sure some are reading what I just wrote as "Oh god (no pun intended) she's preaching, or she's kookoo, cult, etc

I know that's what I would think! Whenever I hear the word God immieaditly reminds me of the born again christians the ones who are hypocritcal *not all but some*

See God is not to be feared, like in some religons *I* sometimes see that in

So its a great confidence and strong willfull power feeling I get knowing God is within me

Doesn't mean I'm holly, does not mean I am perfect and will judge anyone or doesn't mean I see everything as a Sin.

Of course not! Just means I'm embracing what I believe and has nothing to do with worrying about the faults of others, if anything I am even more compassionate and here for anyone who needs some positive advice or anything

I have a lot to learn and I'm loving it so far :)

This is the feather that was in was in the book!!!!

oh and just for shits and giggles.. I'm not a name brand whore.. I don't buy anything with leather.. can't see myself paying 230.00 and up for a purse, unless it's given to me! LOL =)~

This is the Guess purse she gave me.. My grandmother's friends use to own Guess Jeans back in the day.. I think this is from Asia...It has leather though so I may give it away or sell it. IT IS CUTE THOUGH!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

my prayer answered! pinpoint why ur addicted 2 anything!!!!

If you ever watch Oprah she practically coined the term "Aha moment" The moment where you have a moment of clarity, where something clicks.. That for some people life changing moment where you just get it... Shit is clear and changes your prospective.

So what's my aha moment? Well last night I prayed and asked my Angels, God and The Universe to help me with getting back on track with my exercise and eating right. In alot of my Angel Readings I have been getting Angel Raye (TK) so I prayed and asked for help a something to motivate me.

I wake up on the next day, Sunday Morning My mom bumpen "Handle on The Law" funny foo.. then the "Jesus Christ show" My mom is so not religious! lol then... Jilian Michaels from NBC's The Biggest Loser". I have 1 of her workout DVD'S OMG I ain't ready for that! lol

One of the Topics she touched on was of course weight but more importantly, how contestants can loose all the weight but most likely will gain it back.. Usually People gain it back because of stress, addiction, problems, etc..

This is the point she sayed to think about the times you have gained weight.. and what was going on around that time? I was like Oh Snapples! It's true.. sounds so fucken easy right? Duh.. but I got it. I track everything I have an EXCELLENT memory seriously, since I was 5 years old.. It's a gift and really above average.. anywho I have always had a weight problem.. It's a complex, I have spoken about this many times especially in my blogs.

In the previous blog I spoke about Oprah saying how she is Blessed in her body, I see it as thats the body she has been blessed in as everything she has accomplished, given, etc..

I been through diets, I been through all that shit.. Weight Watchers, however works wonders. When I went Vegan.. man I was healthy, I loved it.

Food has always been a comfort for me.. "What nourishes me Destroys me".

See, I know how to eat and how to workout healthy. I can loose weight so fast, and trust gain it in weeks..

In order to keep a healthy lifestyle you gotta find the emotional reasons.. what brings you to your goal?

I can go on this topic forever, if anyone needs any help or advice get at me.. I'm not a doctor nor professional but I know my shit.

So.. after I heard her show I was like thanks Angels, God & The Universe! (Peep my blog before this one about the message my Angels sent THE PROOF IS THE FEATURE PICTURED! =)

Now instead of using the money I have to go get some Albertos which I did the other day and man did it mess me up lol! I went and got some blueberry's, spinach, etc.. BUT I saw candy.. huge addiction.. and well I haven't been craving but I was at an appt. and I had an idea the office was gonna have some bomb chocolate.. sure enough I found myself grubben on it! So as I'm getting my healthy shit I got a whole bag of "Reese's Whips" after a couple.. I'm thinking why the hell did I eat this? lol.

I have this thing where I can't let food go to waste... or see a grip of candy and not eat it? yea right! lol

I got up this morning went for a walk/Jog.. doin good.. and yet look!

Regardless if I get the message.. it's up to me to carry out.

I Thank god I have this body, sure I would love to have other Female's body.. but you know what this is mine.. and I'm pretty blessed... the basics.. I have all my limbs and more importantly my spirit, soul and of course God is in me, as he is in all of us and everything..

I'm getting there, gonna go workout again right now =)

See-I've had this much already today! lol Damn 99 cents store.. Hi my name is Alexis, and I'm an addict! lol.

Oh and feel free to check out some of my favorite workout DVD'S!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Random shit on my mind right now

So my mom hasn't sayed shit about the Porno.. blah I'm over it.. shit.. there's way worse shit in the house L.O.L


not gonna write a long whoa is me blog like Friday even though blah I'm wasting time in my life...

"Sweet Dream or a Beautiful Nightmare" is the chorus from Beyonce's new CD. Yes.. I sayed Beyonce! She is bad fucken ass.. what a talent.. she's gorgeous.. awesome dancer, talented actress.. I love her.. only thing I refuse to buy of her products.. She has Fur in her clothing line. Anywho Bday CD I am loving.. I'm a bit late since it came out in 07.. But I really like some of the songs..very catchy..

Some people associate me with Hip Hop.. cool thanks =) But my dears.. My definition of Hip Hop is very slim and doesn't include anyone on the radio.. well 99% of the shit on the radio.. Beyonce isn't Hip Hop.. Her husband..could be mostly classified as Hip Hop.. not counting however.. the 15 minute mashup of all the the shit he's jacked lol comedy. but I like Jay-Z's early shit.. anywho...

Some of the Beyonce songs are stuck in my head and I have been listening over and over..

such as OH and the videos? youtube them HOT!
B-Day-Upgrade you-I LOVE THIS SONG!
B-Day-Suga Mama-Love the beat
B-Day-Dreams-(on her new cd, I really love the melody)
B-Day-Kitty Kat-Damn she hot in this video!
B-Day-Freakum Dress

I also like Britney Spear's Circus C.D.. I have always liked Britney Spears, except for her 2 first albums, I love "Gimme Gimme" whatever.. that song is fucken hot!

anywho...... I have been going to sleep around 4-5am.. waken up at 2-3:30pm.. yea sure something is wrong.. haven't taken the meds.. period.. feelen the blah blah blah bullshit. I'm bored. I need a change.. The CHANGE of the infamous 2009 I have lagged on.. started so high on my spiritual shit and well.. slowly and slowly holding on to it.. Money is a major unspoken issue.. to lazy to close it.

Haven't expelled in a long time..

what is nourishing me is destroying me( 3 for a dollar ain't bad!).. maybe literally? who knows prolly....whatever so dramatic lol gay.

thank god the period passed, way less moody and intense!

I'm bored.. blah blah blah.. million things going through my head.. seems clear but anything but.. like a wheel spinning.. each half of the "pie" YUM PIE is divided with little thoughts, worries, fantasies (sorry nothing sexual... hmmm.. kinda lol) illusions, dreams, pleasantries.. blah blah and blah.

I know asking questions about certain things.. with the little knowledge.. I have the answers..

but in happier news.. I was literally just browsing the bulletins and this dude who I see his updates on myspace about his Twitter.. (btw do you twitter?.. I barely knew her!) jk..

anywho his video completely cracked me up LMAO!

After watching this.. Sam (lol @ me callen her Sam like I know her!) reminds me of someone.. and I can see the attraction.. Her brother is funny as fuck! I love peeps like that!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Omg my mom found my porno but what's worse...

is she didn't say anything..well at least not yet


Since I came out that I am a lesbian my mom is mad accepting but it's the whole sexual thing she's not comfortable with..who really wants to think of their child getten their freak on? and with the same gender? lol!

so yesterday we were moving the T.V and there was 3 DVD'S under it but all upside down.. so I'm PRAYING as she's flippen each over that it's NOT one of my porno's that I watch when she's not home! LOL.

so she's been after me to clean out the computer drawers.. One time I stashed a couple Pornos in the Computer Desk cabinet I think cause she was opening the door. I forgot to take them out.

she hasn't been home all day.. she walks in and gives me this look like disgust.. I ask her about that.. she says "it's cold outside"

so right now I go in my room and theres a box she told me earlier where all the stuff from the drawer is.. I was like okay cool.



OMG I FEEL SOOOOOOOO GROSS LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


BUT then again.. I remember being 13 and finding one of her videos and showing it to all my friends lol =)

I am 26... I can do whatever I want.. granted it's her house.. but still how embarrasing.. I keep giggling in embarrassment. I can't stop laughing..

this to shall pass right? LOL!

I'm sure she will say something but whatever.. still gross feeling in my stomach lol.

I been a damn good girl my life compared to most.. This is probably the most risk'ay thing anyway! lol! Could have been WAY worse! lol

Saturday, January 3, 2009

What to say 2 me as a little girl?

It's pretty late. Around 2am. I couldn't sleep, I'm hella moody, very very very moody, I'm a pretty straight out person but around this time I'm also emotional.

I kept lying down thinking of certain aspects of my life, not all but some. Different factors for my mood, not just mother nature interfering right now lol, I'm pretty sure the factors aren't helping lol....

A couple months ago I went for testing to diagnose my "dis-order" get it?... It was 2 full days of intense testing to see what in fact I had.. I've been on 2 different meds for almost 2 years, Therapy off on and on.. My mom had to come in and do an interview, give her accounts of the early years of my life and just what kind of life I had. I had many hours of a variety of tests, everything from tests with blocks for my motor skills as well as my memory and speech, etc.. I had to fill out countless questions, basically it was drilling. Now after spilling my entire life to the Lady who is one of the best, and the SHIT! (I wrote a blog about this experience-look in October blogs)

The day of the results she sayed she had a couple of last questions, and I remember her warning me they may be a little bit intrusive and direct. I figured, shit.. She knows everything about me.. I highly doubt anything will be of the such.

Then she asked the most simplest question that caught me off guard it scared the shit out of my reaction freaked me out. She asked me to tell her what my life was like when I was a little girl growing up. That was a direct question and it seemed like all the hours I spent with her like disappeared in a way because even though we covered everything from my birth to present day... all the sadness and emotions just came out and I was literally overwhelmed that I broke down. I never cried with her once and after all that time together she was handing me a kleenex.

I remember I think on Myspace when it asks "Who you would like to meet" I always thought I would like to meet myself when I was a little girl. I think now if I had the chance what would I say? Would I tell her everything will be okay? is it? Would I warn her of all the shit? would I warn her of the people? the "relationships" the bad and naive choices? or more importantly... Would I ask her what happened to me that I blocked out the very shit I don't want to remember or admit? Did I make excuses or invent up things to over pass other situations and memorys; or why I have a picture perfect memory from at least the age of 5?? is there a reason why I knew of such adult things as a really little girl? and if I did tell her of the things that will come ahead, and would I still have the same outcome? would I sitll be the person I am today? Flawed but hopefully in the early stages of changing my life to a more positive and life full filing?

I didn't and still don't have the hardest life,by all means I got it pretty good.. for how long? I think I can only call that, was my life easy? of course not who's is?.. millions of people have had it worse beyond my imagination.. is my life easier compared to most? of course, but at the same time alot of people don't know shit about me or my situation, maybe 1 or 2 of my friends? then again I think just 1.

I'm an "adult" now but just thinking of me as a little girl.. I don't know if I would hug her or take her away. I start to question things and people, why things happened but who really knows, was I just stuck surrounded by "family" from both sides who were just fucked in the head? violence all the time, negativity everywhere..why would I be placed around mental fucken heads.. then again the positive... I would tell her that we turned out ok, I'm not a whore, I don't do drugs, not really a drinker, I finally stand up for myself, took me a while but I do now. I voice my opinion, I'm compassionate and bright I guess. I have a big heart and I will never be like anyone that was aroudn us. My mom is still the only positive out of everyone. I guess thats why I fought her so much to now fighting for her.

I can't keep blaming everyone for what they did to me. I'm old enough to acknowledge it and try to move forward. It's 2009 and I want to make this year the life changing one. It's hard to crash through all the blocks, and let go finger by finger from the fists I have held on to the anger and hurt to protect myself all these years, when things are declared and acknowledged of the fuck ups people did even when I am told by professionals I was not to blame, I didn't do anything wrong, just the "Raw deal in life" as my mom calls it, I've had. I have an inner struggle I deal with every moment. Meds only do so much, trust me they help but then I begin to second guess everything, I'm always torn. I don't really know how to trust my judgment because sometimes I'm wrong when I think I am so right, and thats a scary thing, it's not easily predictable it's scary.

I have alot of growing up to do, I don't mean mentally.. It's weird it's

What if I never help myself and continue to be nothing. What if I syke myself up and trick myself into thinking I can be something that I tell myself is in the cards, that I will be something, that I will live up to this "potential" certain few see around me? or Is all the professionals wrong? do they just tell me this because I shock them that even though I'm in their office and they are getting payed by the hour or once a month visit.. that I might not be what their text books describe? so they praise me so highly because like a Rat in an laboratory did something out of the normal testing standard behaviors, and out of their expectations that they mark that one unique and special?
or maybe because I'm used to tearing myself down when anyone sees something good before someone around me has the chance to...thats how I was raised.. with the exception of my mother. I don't look for attention, I don't say things for people to tell the contrary.. I'm not comfortable with positive bullshit cause to me they are lying and if they are genuine.. I still block it out. I'm very confident in areas in what I do and things about me.

I'm not mental, I'm not psycho, I am not Bi-Polar.. Depressed? yes.. I struggle with do I really want to change? Can I? I stop myself, change from what exactly? just my point of view, I hold myself back from simple shit.. I have made my life a certain way that is safe but confining and if anything out of the norm happens I look to death but if something "to good" happens I condemn it, thats not the alarming thing.. the alarming thing is the very person that nourishes me.. destroys me. I created that or was it because of the way my life was since I was little. I know I kill her everyday, I drain her and even though her life was far more fucked up then mine the very thing she gives me I take and I take.. like I've sayed before.. describing it as she's hanging on a ledge her 2 hands gripping the cement.. 1 hand is already slipped off.. seems like it's just fingers now..1 by 1 loosing their grip ... will she let go of me? can she? we both know that when the last finger goes.. I go off with her, because without her I can't be here, and her only problem was having me.

for anyone reading this.. it's not clear of what I'm talking about..don't worry.. your not really meant to get it.

. . Is my inner ego such a permanent resident in my head and soul that I'm lost inside it with the little girl? am I fooling myself that I can actually dig myself out of my world to a better one? Is the fear of becoming worth someone so profound that I will run the opposite way? can it be that simple? can I be happy? how can I not be afraid when for 26 years it's always been anything but.

I cry hard for the little girl, Such deep sadness that I now feel numb. Funny thing is I've never been a hard person or short of words, I come off strong and "Tough" not in a threatening machisma way but I know why I have that don't fuck with me aura... and I remember the very day when I finally went from a child who always took the bad shit to finally the day I stood up for myself and I haven't stopped... verbally but not always psychically and or mentally.

I now know how to push away and block feelings.. that I'm finally aware of. may be bad timing but I don't know if I want to let that power go right now because for so long and even recently I needed that and I didn't have that when I have been hurt.

It's so easy and safe, so comfortable to be stuck in a funk, negativity, isolation, depressed. I take issue with some people who assume Depression is just a mood or it's another term for lazy. Well the word Depression is often used very loosely. I know depression, I've known it my whole life.. Meds, well I know what they are used for and they are not happy Pills as I previously wrote a blog about that. Not everything works for everyone. at the end of the day You have to do your part and if you don't.. you need to acknowledge and take responsibility.

I'm a bit moody, very very very moody, emotional obviously. by Monday I should be good, a lil scared and naturally so of taking the steps to move forward with my life.. can I really do it? and if I fail? well then I will be back in the funk waiting for my days to come to an end.

Lately in my blogs I have been speaking about my beginnings in Energy Healing, Angel Cards, Manifestation, positive stuff which is always good to have. I see the outcomes for people and I am really observing those who are successful and those who have special components about them.. I pick up on the details that aide them in that and if I stop being so fucken stubborn and freaked out I could be the same.

Sometimes I feel like my world is small.. even though I am exposed to alot.. I notice if someone introduces me to something it's like a whole new fucken thing and I think to myself.. wow.. I would have never done this or bought this or knew about this before.. and I look a little at the old stuff I have now replaced the new things with like hmmm.. different. I would love to go to a place for deep counseling or spiritual guidance for a week, month, etc.. new place. I think where I'm at is not always the most healthy and maybe the best for my growth. I feel stuck and how can I change my life and environment if I'm always coming back or in place of the very thing I am trying to shed from? but then the guilt and inner child comes in me of leaving something, the abandonment.. I'm not a clingy person.. actually the opposite.. nothing and no one is ever permanent in my life, as loyal as I am 100% I don't see anything lasting, nothing in relationships, business, "Friendships"etc because as a child I learned no one sticks around even if you try to be a perfect lil girl. I don't know and have not experienced shit most kids have. If I were to name some I'm pretty sure people who know me or whatever would look at me like wtf ? you never been told this? you never experienced this? simple things in life.. words.. actions.. I never had, and now if it were to occur.. I would push all that shit away because it is foreign to me.

Nothing is ever as it seems... I sometimes think I should write a book on my life but it's way to complicated, and even though I am blessed/cursed with an almost accurate memory since I was 5 years old.. It's to much for a book.. a movie? maybe? My friend and I joke that my life is like a novela.. god knows my last relationship was.................................

Lately however, things have been pretty calm.. regardless of my bullshit.. I am a very lucky person.. until something bad happens to some things I claim I am lucky in and then well.. who knows. I don't know if that little girl, me will ever be at peace for fear that if things are calm and okay it's literally the quiet before the storm.. see sometimes if things are chaotic and I'm controlling it.. then I know if it's bad.. It's okay because when things are bad I'm used to it. But when things are good, I'm always fearful the absolute worst will come and destroy me. not just with a little hit but the major one.

I'm pretty sure when I wake up or in a couple days when I've chilled out I will look back at this blog like I have others countless times and think.. damn girl .. a little negative weren't ya? lol.

This is just parts of me and believe me I am very aware of how I come off.. but this is how I am feeling and expressing myself right now..

Regardless, if I were to meet me as a little girl.. good or bad.. she still has me.