Saturday, July 26, 2008

Is Blood thicker than water?

Is it? I believe water taste better. I thank my mom. The shit she went through with her dysfunctional "family" amazing with all the hate and negativity that went on in her childhood she was total opposite. My mom is the greatest, yea I know everyone says that right? She is the reason I never chose to end up a "statistic". I went through alot of hell growing up. I went through some cruel shit but I never chose drugs, drinking, promiscuous sex or needing constant validation and attention.

I started to really write about my life in this blog but I deleted it. I have a huge "family" by dna. on both sides of my mom and the sperm donor. I was always treated as a credit card debt to him, he was always cold,I never knew what I did for him to hate me especially when he was never around. His family were all cold. I was close to his mom but when I was little she was scared to get attached to me because my uncles had kids and their baby momma's never allowed her to see them. My "dad" beat the living shit out of me, the names he called me I don't think you would call a hooker. How funny though because if he really knew the person I was, he would feel like a fucken idiot he is. I have stories of this dick head that would blow your mind. Recently he sent me post cards from all over the world.. all of a sudden he has money? tryen to rub it in my face? lol bitch please. Had the NERVE to say he would take me wherever I wanted to go.. yea like I would really come back alive. I didn't want anything to do with him and I sent him an e-mail 25 years in the making. Of course.. being the arrogant low life vain self centered.. who never acknowledged the shit he did to me or put me through he replied "I'm done with you" lol. I told him Nigga You never started with me.. I been done with you"

My Moms side is just as worse. It's like a fucken novela fill of the villans and incredibly horrific and cruel shit me and my mom has gone through. I never had any single person love me like my mom. It's like I don't have anyone who will always be there for me or have my back, defend me or protect me. I think I was hated on because I was just fucken born. My mom's mom is a fucken psycho path. She is very vain, cruel and so hurtfull, I have some issues that I'm dealing with because of the shit she did to me and still continues. She trys to have a "Relationship" but I'm done with that. She isn't right in her mind. My mothers dad is no prize either, talk about cold. his wife is the living devil. I don't fear evil, I already met her. If she had 2 prior husbands put a hit on her, gee isn't that a fucking clue? She's a evil soul. me and her got into it and I told her exactly what I thought of her. Needless to say my "grandfather" can give a flying fuck. Like I didn't see that coming. It's always been that way.

It's a trip, my friends family or ex's familylove me. I am very caring and will do anything for anyone who is cool with me. It feels good to be accepted, and I show them the love and affection I wish I could give the ones who are dna related to me. I am an only child so it's always been me and my mom. I don't have cousins I keep in touch with. I wish I did. I stopped trying to keep in touch. or have family gatherings. I don't know what it's like to spend Holidays or B-days with my dna related "Family". I don't know the feeling of spending time kicking it sitting around laughing with my own family. I'll never get the unconditional love thing.

I have a negative side, I'm not a vindictive or malicious person. The universe won't let me. But I can chew you up and spit you out with my words. I seem to pick the people in my few relationships that are emotionally unavailable. Im not the type that is clingy or jealous, it's a natural emotion if I feel I am being played or lied to for someone else. I'm not Psycho. No one is worth it. I do not come off hard like I'm the shit but if I know someone is interested I do block it. I find something wrong or push them away. Especially after my ex. that fucked me up real good. Whenever I am with someone which is very rare, I treat them like fucken royalty.

To whoever reads this, cherish your family and the friends that really love you. I don't know what thats like, despite how "popular" some people think I am. Yea, I have few friends but it seems people can just write me off and never care to speak to me again. that hurts. So I know for a fact I'm not ment to ever be cared for and loved like my mom is with me. I thought the other day, what if I don't allow them? I know I wouldn't believe them because no one could. Even though I know I'm a good person, It's just not ment for me. Sucks to cuz I am very affectionate and caring. Everyone can write me off, I feel like I am a misfit like that. I do think I am attracted to those who I know are just like my "father" or those who are not worth the shit they would put me through.

I could see if I was some bitch who started shit. But I don't. I do defend myself, I was always picked on and talked down to when I was young so I learned very early on I can use my smartass mentality to my advantage. If I were to stay quiet and take it, It would still happen till I started defending myself. No one else would for me.

I do find people spoil me, it's like they see me as a child . why I don't know? they have this maternal instinct with me..they want to take care of me. I was very very close to a couple. and I don't know why but 1 of them just turned on me, and then a misunderstanding about something .. It just changed with the wife. I put her as high as my mom. I still do. I wish we can all go back. I will always respect them and have so much love for them. They were there for me in my darkest moments. I really really felt like I had a family with them. Even when they were selling their house they told me to come for a "family meeting" I miss them everyday and I will always consider them family, even though its different. It really fucken hurts me but I can't do anything about it. They showed me love and compassion. I don't resent or hate them. I'm still confused. They have such good hearts, thats one relationship I will always miss. I see them around but it's so different, so distant I hate it. If I had the power to change it, I would in a heart beat.

I don't play the victim role, oh whoa is me. That's not me. I'm just venting and I know others have had it if not just as bad, even worse.. who has no idea what the reason is for all this? But if there is I hope it helps someone out there.

I find people who read deep shit like this will talk shit or make stupid childish comments. When I think they got deeper issues inside but can't express it.

I find alot of people tell me I have this great energy, this certain vibe that comes off that they can tell me anything, Which they do. I am a vault. People trust me instantly, I value that. It feels good when people say they look up to me or I influenced them in some way. Why do most people see the good in my soul but the ones who should since birth completely have no care in the world what i do, How I am or what kind of person I have become.

Sure, people say and see me as a positive in the way I present myself but that comes from a dark place. There's a reason why I have something that glows it had to come from darkness.

I hope this doesn't change the way people think about me I cant control that but this is me and it is what it is. love me or hate me lol either way it's nothing new.

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