Sunday, July 27, 2008

the myth my meds are "HAPPY PILLS"

If you read one of my previous blogs about "Family" you can understand why I got issues lol, doesn't everyone, Shit I can spot some so easy from everyone sometimes. I'm not offering a subscription lol! jk

I'm not afraid or embarrassed to share some personal shit. I'm not perfect not is anyone else. There are alot of things in my life I will never ever disclose to anyone. But I'm not afraid to share my experiences and what I think is important.

I know stereo-types and close minded people believe what they were taught. They never think or take a chance to think out side the box. I find that with Medication. I know some people who are totally against medications, and I respect their feelings. We all hear the horror stories how some people have committed suicide because of the "anti depressant" drugs. Or "Happy Pills" that make you numb or stuck or not all there.

In 06 I went through one of the most darkest phases of my life. I have been diagnosed "Depressed" a couple times before. I started taking things off my wall.. all my posters, shit off my dressers.. I mean my room looked like it was empty. I put everything in my closet, thinking of where I was gonna donate it. To this Day! I still haven't put shit up.

I have thought how many many times I would end my life, I didn't wanna do it where someone would find me. If I was gonna do it, I wouldn't fuck with methods that were not gonna do the job right. I got pushed to far one night and it sent me in a violent rage. Mind you this wasn't a friend or some stupid cruel comment.. NO. there is only 2 people in this world that can send me and push my fucken buttons like that. You know the RED button that will blast shit out.

One is my mom.. because she is all I have. and is like me holding on this whole time in my since birth with 2 hands on the ledge dangling and with every strike and blow growing up is 1 hand already lost it's grip because the fingers were no longer strong to hold. and the other is like my life now with my mom trying to hold on and with my depression and bullshit she can't hold her grip much longer I'm slipping but she won't let go . the minute she gives up on me OR chooses someone over me for something stupid is like feeling my soul is gone dragging me down and she lets go and the green light to say LATES and and end up a memory. if that. My mom will lie, cheat, still and kill for me. I know this because no matter how many times I try to hurt her or give up or even speak about ending it all with a kool aid smile on my face she flips the fuck out. I' not manipulating her for what? (maybe I am?) because she already gives me her full divided attention and love. I don't look for validation or the affection from others.

and the other is someone who should have uncondtional love but has showen me the cruelest opposite. the anger and hate for that person I wanna just do some damage and won't stop till I see blood. I was on my way to get a gun which I had access to and if I couldn't pull the trigger for whatever reason I knew a bridge I could drive my car off. I was in a dark place. Obviously I didn't ...long story. Anywho my mom begged me to come home..I remember my homeboy kept calling me and the cops my mom had called and reported even my license plate.. I answered my homeboys call not telling him anything acting like whatever.. he invited me to his pad but I had a bad feeling I wouldn't end up alive.. not because I would something but because something would be done to be worse then putting a gun in mouth or having a brutal death by my own doing. I've been in that situation before and I rather drown then be that close to some serious against my will shit.

I finally gave in and agreed to see a psychiatrist and go to therapy. I don't what the fuck made me agree? lol. I was depressed. I have everyone always tellen me "If you ever need to talk I'm here" BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT! The minute I even begin disclosing or actually letting my gaurd down, OR the RARE time I have asked to chit chat or vent.. I'm not talking bout OMG to 1 of my close friend about what happened yesterday at the store or about my ex or shit like that. I'm talking bout real fucken shit. more times than not.. They change the fucken conversation and will completely disregarded what I have started to say I FUCEKN WANNA SMACK THEM. I can understand it may be akward or not sure what to say. but No one is tryen to hear my fucken problems, or make me feel fucken DUMB when they ask whats wrong and I say what's wrong THEY DONT FUCKEN REPLY BACK LOL. But will reply to something else days later OR WHEN THEY HAVE A QUESTION BOUT SOMETHING and not even acknowledge what I previously stated or shared. or only WHEN they try to get in my head or use my weakness's to play off it or something. No one fucken checks on me to see if I'm okay No one gives a mad fuck. Im used to that and now I like it like that.. shit.. Expect nothing and you won't be dissapointed.

Oh but when they fucken need things or need to talk I'M ALWAYS THERE. or Always picking up their call. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT.. fuck that. CALL ME BITCH.. CALL ME AT FUCKEN MIDNIGHT FRANTIC YOU NEED TO TALK AND I AIN'T PICKEN YOUR CALLS ANYMORE.. OR. I AINT TEXTEN YOU BACK OR I AIN'T GONNA ANSWER YOU RIGHT AWAY. FUCK THAT SHIT. THAT'S WHAT IM DOING NOW. AND IT'S COMEDY! WHEN THEY START TALKEN SHIT BUT GOD FORBID YOU DO THE SAME THING BACK TO THEM.

UNLESS it's the rare ones who have taken the time to show me the respect and show some compassion.

In my depression I didn't want to breathe, eat, feel, move. I didn't want to be alive. I couldn't get up to eat or I couldn't go outside. everything was so dark and with the shit in my past death seemed so calm and right I pray everynight but it's when I'm lost I don't or mad at whoever who I'm praying to up above. or If I do I ask to end it. Hundreds of people die for no reason, someones only child gets ran over, or people loose their loved ones in a freak accident, car accident or kidnapped and their dead body lying somewhere from being raped or strangled or simply in the wrong place. or someones family completely dead and the dad or the kids are left alone .. so many various fucked up reasons. I would take their place in an instant. Some can say I'm put here for a reason. But I don't think I really give a fuck to persue my potential I live my life have assed. People ask me where do I see myself in 5 years? I don't see anything. I really think I am blessed and cursed. I'm stuck .

It's when I am good and cool is when they're all tryen to chill and kick it. it's amazing.

.Some say suicide is a coward way out, Well not everyone has something to live for, so people can say what they want but I dont see life that precious for me PERSONALLY for my being, say I'm weak or stupid, that's their opinion they dont know my life. I know people have it soooooooooooo worse! and still would never end their life. People assume I'm so fucken strong, yea in some aspects not all.

So I went to see a psychiatrist, I HATE crying in front of someone, it makes me feel weak and so vulnerable. The minute she asked me why I was there, you know all it takes is one person to put their hand on your shoulder or so softly ask "whats wrong" I broke and I couldn't stop crying. She put me on a certain medication. I told her I will not take anything that makes me gain weight, well that limited my options, BUT literally in a week, I was sleeping normally, I didn't have insomnia, I was working out I had so much energy, I went vegan. The thing I stress is that sure not all meds work for everyone, it's trial and error. But what the medication allowed me to do was let me think, it took alot of the anxiety and darkness away. It stopped me wanting to take a gun to in my mouth. It allowed me to function. It wasn't a happy pill, not at all. You know I know most don't believe in therapy but the medication is not a fix it. you need to work on yourself. I started going to therapy. believe it or not do not like to talk about myself with people. So I tried it. I have been going since early of 07, but I stopped. Im not ready to continue, I am bored with it. I can't let my therapist do his job if I'm not willing to go through the process. Why waste both our times, when I'm ready I'll go back.

Me and my Psychiatrist are hella cool with each other, she's young and gets me. She goes out of her way for me I think more than any other of her clients and it's dope. She told me not to long ago that when she first met me she wrote me off as a "lost cause" she didn't think I would make it. But in the first week like I sayed it was a trip.

I went through a novela of a relationship that I had to add a medication for my stress and anxiety, I'm in the process of getting over her, I hope soon because relationships are a bitch!!!!. I don't really blame her for everything because I already had my issues prior. The meds work for me so good and I'm still on it, Probably the rest of my life. I find Bi-Polar is the popular disease. I thought I was bi-polar but I'm not. I don't fit the type. I do suffer from depression and a chemical imbalance but Im not one to go fucken crazy or psycho. It's a struggle, I have my days where I'm good and I have others where I dont see the point of being here I really don't. My mom refuses to give up on me, she's always there to support anything I do. She will do what she has to make sure I go to therapy or take my meds. She knows the way I grew up wasn't easy and sometimes I think thats why she enables me. She does kinda spoil me, but im not a selfish or bratty person. Sometimes I do find myself having her do things I should be doing because I get frustrated with shit that seems impossible to fix. It's always been me and her, I'm an only child, she has always been someone I look up to, I get my compassion from her. sometimes I feel bad that she has a daughter that is what I think a burden to her and the way her family and her life is but she doesnt see it like that, she's so god damn positive! lol I need to practice that for myself.

I hear some people say "I'm depressed" I ask them why? it's usually cuz their just lazy or want attention. Depression may be different for everyone. It's something sometimes you want to stay in, I think it's so much easier to be in that dark world. I don't do drugs or drink on the regular I will throw up if I get to high and I cant hold my liqour I get buzzed way to fast and I'm more of a eater then a drinker. so besides the meds I'm on, My ass is fucken sobe, so already that is a bitch! lol.

Thanks for reading, hopefully it lets others who feel the same know they are not alone.

It's easy to say I can over come and don't needs meds.. it's easy for others to say Meds are bad and are owned by companies that make you addicted and are shoved at me in pretty packages with promises and statistics that it is good for me. -Guess what though.. same shit with meat milk and sugar. TRUST.. it's even worse my friend.. which probably will lead you to where I'm at or just bad health in general.

I'm not doubting it for a minute. I'm the first one to question anything especially for my body -Hello I went vegan-. My mom will research everything any meds that are prescribed.

I'm not strong minded.. and you know what.. I choose to be on meds.. I choose to take them everyday.. why? because I don't believe in myself. I will self district easy and self sabotage, I block it out and reject things I know I can change or about to. So if I choose to ignore and stay stubborn, scared and stuck.. then thats me. and until the miraculous day I dare to stop the meds then so be it. but until then I will be dependent and a "Slave" to them. I am addicted .. obviously I have some chemical in balance and can not try to overcome alone.. I've been in therapy for years. I know the saying we shouldn't dwell on our past and the shit we went through when we were younger is an excuse because we are adults now, yea but how we were raised and the experiences we have gone through"shapes" our character so that whole thing "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" blah. well that may work for others but not for me. so it is what it is. I can maybe use the tools and exercises to try to forgive the ones who have hurt so bad that it is in my soul but I feel if I forgive that SHIT then they get a free pass and no punishment for their actions, like the way they have FUCKED up and mistreated shit in my life will be forgiven and it's okay? So let me get this right.. I am scared, have gone through horrible shit, fucken asshole shit and they get away with it? because I am being the "Bigger" person" WHAT THE FUCK IS THEIR KARMA? FUCK THAT SHIT. I have also heard hating someone is like "Drinking a glass of poison and hoping the other person gets sick". I have let shit go with people but my "Father" and that evil devil of a bitch I WILL NEVER. so maybe that's not good for my health and maybe i won't be "free" or "happy" or "at peace" ... I'm well aware of alot of shit.. trust I know the consequences and the reality of shit. I take responsibility .. I choose NOT TO follow the steps.

What makes me laugh is the ones who tell me "WELL THEN THAT'S ON YOU"

Yea Motha fucker it is.. I WASN'T ASKEN FOR YOUR OPINION, I WASN'T ASKING FOR YOUR FEEDBACK.. if your not my therapist then shut the fuck up... that remark is a cop out and stupid remark is invalid..

My picture isn't under the definition of PERFECTION. and I have yet to see anyones.

I really wrote very candidly because alot of people have this illusion and fantasy that I have this great life and I find people kiss my ass because of who I work for and it looks so easy OR people assume because of my blogs and the way I write about other topics I'm something to be admired for or see things in me I can't. I appreciate GENUINE compliments and support.. It's kinda weird when I'm given a praise or I dunno. I appreciate it. but it's kinda weird to me.

I'm not be all means saying I'm genius .. god no. or a fucken marvel of the world. but I do know sometimes when people are praised for their uniqueness .. they are usually mad in the head and a bit neurotic

2 comments:

Kevin said...

you said you need to practice being positive for your self. thats the best thing. how can you ever learn to change the way you feel about the world and yourself if the drugs are doing it for you.
you will become dependant on the drug for the feelings you desire, and that chemical balance will not happen without the pill. In my opinion its mind over mattter no matter what. meaning you have the true power to change the way you feel. Or like Nas says, "you are the slave and the master... you are the question and the answer." you see you could be the master of yourself with the power of your mind or you could enslave yourself with the power of your mind. so working on being positive like your mother is the best thing for you. fuck letting other people tell you how you feel, they probably make money for promoting the drugs they put you on. all the drugs are poison that blocks the individual from learning to create "chemical balances" or feelings for themselves, its all pioson

SICKMINDED said...

U LEFT ME WITHOUT WORDS..

I WILL NOT GIVE MY OPINION ON THIS NOT BECAUSE ITS A HARD QUESTION BUT BECAUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT UR GOING TROUGH...

GOING TO EXTREMES IS EAZY TO DO .. ANYBODY CAN PULL THE TRIGGER AND END IT..BUT IT SHOWS MORE BALLS TO FIGHT AND NEVER GIVE UP..AND ITS ALWAYS GOOD TO SOROUND UR SELF W/ GOOD OPEN MINDED PEEPS..AND FAMILY..

YOU'LL GET TROUGH IT.. BE STRONG..

PATIENCE IS GOOD..
GET INTO ART.. RELAX.. ITS A FUCKED UP WORLD WE ARE ALL IN IT..UR NOT ALONE.. WE ALL GO TROUGH BULLSHIT..WE FALL BUT WE LEARN TO GET BACK UP AGAIN..

MUCH LOVE ..SICKSIDE... PEACE..