Saturday, January 3, 2009

What to say 2 me as a little girl?

It's pretty late. Around 2am. I couldn't sleep, I'm hella moody, very very very moody, I'm a pretty straight out person but around this time I'm also emotional.

I kept lying down thinking of certain aspects of my life, not all but some. Different factors for my mood, not just mother nature interfering right now lol, I'm pretty sure the factors aren't helping lol....

A couple months ago I went for testing to diagnose my "dis-order" get it?... It was 2 full days of intense testing to see what in fact I had.. I've been on 2 different meds for almost 2 years, Therapy off on and on.. My mom had to come in and do an interview, give her accounts of the early years of my life and just what kind of life I had. I had many hours of a variety of tests, everything from tests with blocks for my motor skills as well as my memory and speech, etc.. I had to fill out countless questions, basically it was drilling. Now after spilling my entire life to the Lady who is one of the best, and the SHIT! (I wrote a blog about this experience-look in October blogs)

The day of the results she sayed she had a couple of last questions, and I remember her warning me they may be a little bit intrusive and direct. I figured, shit.. She knows everything about me.. I highly doubt anything will be of the such.

Then she asked the most simplest question that caught me off guard it scared the shit out of my reaction freaked me out. She asked me to tell her what my life was like when I was a little girl growing up. That was a direct question and it seemed like all the hours I spent with her like disappeared in a way because even though we covered everything from my birth to present day... all the sadness and emotions just came out and I was literally overwhelmed that I broke down. I never cried with her once and after all that time together she was handing me a kleenex.

I remember I think on Myspace when it asks "Who you would like to meet" I always thought I would like to meet myself when I was a little girl. I think now if I had the chance what would I say? Would I tell her everything will be okay? is it? Would I warn her of all the shit? would I warn her of the people? the "relationships" the bad and naive choices? or more importantly... Would I ask her what happened to me that I blocked out the very shit I don't want to remember or admit? Did I make excuses or invent up things to over pass other situations and memorys; or why I have a picture perfect memory from at least the age of 5?? is there a reason why I knew of such adult things as a really little girl? and if I did tell her of the things that will come ahead, and would I still have the same outcome? would I sitll be the person I am today? Flawed but hopefully in the early stages of changing my life to a more positive and life full filing?

I didn't and still don't have the hardest life,by all means I got it pretty good.. for how long? I think I can only call that, was my life easy? of course not who's is?.. millions of people have had it worse beyond my imagination.. is my life easier compared to most? of course, but at the same time alot of people don't know shit about me or my situation, maybe 1 or 2 of my friends? then again I think just 1.

I'm an "adult" now but just thinking of me as a little girl.. I don't know if I would hug her or take her away. I start to question things and people, why things happened but who really knows, was I just stuck surrounded by "family" from both sides who were just fucked in the head? violence all the time, negativity everywhere..why would I be placed around mental fucken heads.. then again the positive... I would tell her that we turned out ok, I'm not a whore, I don't do drugs, not really a drinker, I finally stand up for myself, took me a while but I do now. I voice my opinion, I'm compassionate and bright I guess. I have a big heart and I will never be like anyone that was aroudn us. My mom is still the only positive out of everyone. I guess thats why I fought her so much to now fighting for her.

I can't keep blaming everyone for what they did to me. I'm old enough to acknowledge it and try to move forward. It's 2009 and I want to make this year the life changing one. It's hard to crash through all the blocks, and let go finger by finger from the fists I have held on to the anger and hurt to protect myself all these years, when things are declared and acknowledged of the fuck ups people did even when I am told by professionals I was not to blame, I didn't do anything wrong, just the "Raw deal in life" as my mom calls it, I've had. I have an inner struggle I deal with every moment. Meds only do so much, trust me they help but then I begin to second guess everything, I'm always torn. I don't really know how to trust my judgment because sometimes I'm wrong when I think I am so right, and thats a scary thing, it's not easily predictable it's scary.

I have alot of growing up to do, I don't mean mentally.. It's weird it's

What if I never help myself and continue to be nothing. What if I syke myself up and trick myself into thinking I can be something that I tell myself is in the cards, that I will be something, that I will live up to this "potential" certain few see around me? or Is all the professionals wrong? do they just tell me this because I shock them that even though I'm in their office and they are getting payed by the hour or once a month visit.. that I might not be what their text books describe? so they praise me so highly because like a Rat in an laboratory did something out of the normal testing standard behaviors, and out of their expectations that they mark that one unique and special?
or maybe because I'm used to tearing myself down when anyone sees something good before someone around me has the chance to...thats how I was raised.. with the exception of my mother. I don't look for attention, I don't say things for people to tell the contrary.. I'm not comfortable with positive bullshit cause to me they are lying and if they are genuine.. I still block it out. I'm very confident in areas in what I do and things about me.

I'm not mental, I'm not psycho, I am not Bi-Polar.. Depressed? yes.. I struggle with do I really want to change? Can I? I stop myself, change from what exactly? just my point of view, I hold myself back from simple shit.. I have made my life a certain way that is safe but confining and if anything out of the norm happens I look to death but if something "to good" happens I condemn it, thats not the alarming thing.. the alarming thing is the very person that nourishes me.. destroys me. I created that or was it because of the way my life was since I was little. I know I kill her everyday, I drain her and even though her life was far more fucked up then mine the very thing she gives me I take and I take.. like I've sayed before.. describing it as she's hanging on a ledge her 2 hands gripping the cement.. 1 hand is already slipped off.. seems like it's just fingers now..1 by 1 loosing their grip ... will she let go of me? can she? we both know that when the last finger goes.. I go off with her, because without her I can't be here, and her only problem was having me.

for anyone reading this.. it's not clear of what I'm talking about..don't worry.. your not really meant to get it.

. . Is my inner ego such a permanent resident in my head and soul that I'm lost inside it with the little girl? am I fooling myself that I can actually dig myself out of my world to a better one? Is the fear of becoming worth someone so profound that I will run the opposite way? can it be that simple? can I be happy? how can I not be afraid when for 26 years it's always been anything but.

I cry hard for the little girl, Such deep sadness that I now feel numb. Funny thing is I've never been a hard person or short of words, I come off strong and "Tough" not in a threatening machisma way but I know why I have that don't fuck with me aura... and I remember the very day when I finally went from a child who always took the bad shit to finally the day I stood up for myself and I haven't stopped... verbally but not always psychically and or mentally.

I now know how to push away and block feelings.. that I'm finally aware of. may be bad timing but I don't know if I want to let that power go right now because for so long and even recently I needed that and I didn't have that when I have been hurt.

It's so easy and safe, so comfortable to be stuck in a funk, negativity, isolation, depressed. I take issue with some people who assume Depression is just a mood or it's another term for lazy. Well the word Depression is often used very loosely. I know depression, I've known it my whole life.. Meds, well I know what they are used for and they are not happy Pills as I previously wrote a blog about that. Not everything works for everyone. at the end of the day You have to do your part and if you don't.. you need to acknowledge and take responsibility.

I'm a bit moody, very very very moody, emotional obviously. by Monday I should be good, a lil scared and naturally so of taking the steps to move forward with my life.. can I really do it? and if I fail? well then I will be back in the funk waiting for my days to come to an end.

Lately in my blogs I have been speaking about my beginnings in Energy Healing, Angel Cards, Manifestation, positive stuff which is always good to have. I see the outcomes for people and I am really observing those who are successful and those who have special components about them.. I pick up on the details that aide them in that and if I stop being so fucken stubborn and freaked out I could be the same.

Sometimes I feel like my world is small.. even though I am exposed to alot.. I notice if someone introduces me to something it's like a whole new fucken thing and I think to myself.. wow.. I would have never done this or bought this or knew about this before.. and I look a little at the old stuff I have now replaced the new things with like hmmm.. different. I would love to go to a place for deep counseling or spiritual guidance for a week, month, etc.. new place. I think where I'm at is not always the most healthy and maybe the best for my growth. I feel stuck and how can I change my life and environment if I'm always coming back or in place of the very thing I am trying to shed from? but then the guilt and inner child comes in me of leaving something, the abandonment.. I'm not a clingy person.. actually the opposite.. nothing and no one is ever permanent in my life, as loyal as I am 100% I don't see anything lasting, nothing in relationships, business, "Friendships"etc because as a child I learned no one sticks around even if you try to be a perfect lil girl. I don't know and have not experienced shit most kids have. If I were to name some I'm pretty sure people who know me or whatever would look at me like wtf ? you never been told this? you never experienced this? simple things in life.. words.. actions.. I never had, and now if it were to occur.. I would push all that shit away because it is foreign to me.

Nothing is ever as it seems... I sometimes think I should write a book on my life but it's way to complicated, and even though I am blessed/cursed with an almost accurate memory since I was 5 years old.. It's to much for a book.. a movie? maybe? My friend and I joke that my life is like a novela.. god knows my last relationship was.................................

Lately however, things have been pretty calm.. regardless of my bullshit.. I am a very lucky person.. until something bad happens to some things I claim I am lucky in and then well.. who knows. I don't know if that little girl, me will ever be at peace for fear that if things are calm and okay it's literally the quiet before the storm.. see sometimes if things are chaotic and I'm controlling it.. then I know if it's bad.. It's okay because when things are bad I'm used to it. But when things are good, I'm always fearful the absolute worst will come and destroy me. not just with a little hit but the major one.

I'm pretty sure when I wake up or in a couple days when I've chilled out I will look back at this blog like I have others countless times and think.. damn girl .. a little negative weren't ya? lol.

This is just parts of me and believe me I am very aware of how I come off.. but this is how I am feeling and expressing myself right now..

Regardless, if I were to meet me as a little girl.. good or bad.. she still has me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I like your blogs and appreciate real people such as yourself. I hope you know that there are people that have gone or are going through similar painful experiences. There are good books to read to help with the healing of child abuse (physical, emotional, sexual). “Professional” counseling could be good too, though some people can’t or don’t want to take part in that. Just wanted to basically say that your writing is like a mirror for some people. Also, your potential is very evident. God bless.