Saturday, October 18, 2008


If you read a previous blog I made about anti-depressant "Happy Pills"

Well they aren't.. anywho.. I stopped taking them.. I don't know maybe out of lazyness.. you should try not to do what I did for the fact your body will react in moodswings, you can get sick etc..

I know this.. but I decided to anyway.. don't really remember why? it's been over a week. I went back into depression.. talk about being fucken moody! very snappy.. I have insomnia now.. I noticed weight gain.. then again things are tough.. there is times I dont' have a dollar to my name.. thats depressing I don't want to ask anyone nor my mom for anything. the money isn't flowing in for me at the moment.. so the only thing I can really eat since I went from Vegan to now Vegetarian.. I don't anything from animal.. so I stick to junk food.. 99 cent chips.. 99 cent store have really good food actually..yea I'm not embarrased.. bills are high...

I haven't really want to go out, I don't get pleasure from some music. I feel like a dark black cloud.. I journal everyday though.. I went in for testing to see what condition I really have, very thurough .. 2 day testing.. it's early to tell but I am not Bi-Polar, which is the popular diagnosis. I know I'm not even the psyh's I see or my previous therapist.. I don't have the traits... I have some issues from my childhood and I think it has shaped me my emotional connection with people good and bad...

anywho I haven't told anyone I stopped taking them.. just my friend.. I didn't want to. I really hate being told what I already fucken know especially from people who don't know what I go through or anything like that.

I have really bad insomnia now it's getting worse.. I stood up for 24 hours the other day.. I took some sleeping pills last night cuz I had to get up early the other day but last night I slept less then 2 hours.. I'm just up. I can't sleep.. I know it's because of the withdrawals..

I been so fucken moody and bitchy more straight out then usual.. my patience has been close to none! It's weird. I just want to be left alone.. I'll chit chat with people here and there but I Hate stupid fucken questions.. I think because of my negative attitude it's attracting negative energy right back.

I got dudes hitten me up with some wack ass fucken lines.. annoying as hell.. cheesy shit even when they know I'm not interested.. I hate that wanna be sweet bullshit.. nigga it even cracken over here like that .. I been on this site I am flooded with some wack shit.. sick sexually offensive shit..constantly I don't come off at all like that!!!!!!! I'm tired of foos "why are you gay" .. cuz I like girls Einstein

wtf is up with the whole sexy shit.. like do people think thats charming? i can go on and on but whatever..

So I took my meds yesterday and today I feel worse.. I gotta let it kick in I guess. I have the urge to cry it seems like I'm worse.. My body has been on these meds for a while. right now I have the urge.. and i took the meds not to long ago.

I feel certain emotions controlled pretty cool now.

I'm still helllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa snappy.. I'm snappen at a couple people right now.. not tryen to be harsh but if someone is irritating me i'm gonna let them know.

some people I don't mind but fuck the people who hit me up sometimes.. shit!

I just want to cry.. I'm spewing negative energy right now.. you can tell my mood by my expressions.. I'm just scared the meds won't work anymore? I could be wrong.. I don't know.. also could be I haven't really slept.. I'm cranky.. moody.. fustrated.. I can't deal with anyone right now.. I want to be left the fuck alone.. I never really felt like that..

I get alot of messages with positive energy and I always try to give it back.. even if I'm moody.. I just dont have patience for fucken cry babies.. or lazy ass people I HATE generic 1 word "convo's"

Some of my friends have been a little I guess distance with me cuz I'm just not really keeping up with them.. I don't want to be around anyone.. I don't want to pass on my mood.. at the same time it's usually them hitting me up when they want something.. not at all but some.

you know it sucks also cuz some people think I've changed or whatever cuz of what I do in the scene.. but if they really took a moment to think how THEY have changed with me? I'm still the same fucking person but it's so easy for people to dismiss or not acknowledge their actions with me.. I'm tired of it.

I feel isolated and at the same time not included in alot of things.

I have been having alot of shit this year.. I dunno if me going through the testing this week.. I had to bring up alot of shit about my childhood and growing up.. I grew up in a very harsh "family" my mom is the best but everyone around was always fighting.. no respect.. I got a raw deal in life.. I'm blessed with how easy I got it but at the same time cursed I feel..

I heard I come off tuff? to some.. but I don't see it. I can be guarded.. I let no one talk shit to me.

some things of the test showed I am very articulate, smart, bright blah blah blah. I don't give myself enough credit. I always get told I have this trusting energy about me.. that I can do big things .. people look up to me? I trip out on that I think it's an illusion fantasy they have of me.. I am unique. confident in areas, alot I'm weak. I am human... very visual great memory which is a curse to me

I don't get however I feel and think people tend to come at me like if I'm fucken stupid? try to play, game and manipulate me? why is that??????????????????

after a relationship not to long ago I picked up on things.. I can observe alot from someone's actions it's very easy for me. I have better judgment I hope. I'll usually if asked what I think of them.. and I'm dead on. maybe that was my lesson.. the reason things happen

ok so I've calmed down right now.. im bumpen some music..

I dunno felt like blogging.. I hope things get better soon.

1 comment:

amccoy said...

tRiP out.. yA i did soMEthing siMiLaiR i wAnted to stOP taKing My neUrontin,I was told Not too bUt I stoPped takINg it abruptly One dAy and I exPeriEnced aLL thAt iNsoMniA, ReaL bAd iRritatiON and stUpid shIt reaLLy pIssed mE off iT Was AwfuL I cOUldnt hAng afTer a feW daYz sO i gOT baCk on It n toOk a whILe to kicK in toO