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Monday, August 4, 2008
Take the fork out of your mouth.
Is a favorite saying from my mom. as a child I was a typical normal girl, normal weight. I entered into beauty pageants, Modeling school the whole 9. My mom wasn't a stage mom, if I wanted to do it she would put me anything, if I wanted to stop I would simply stop. When I was younger people thought I was pacific Islander or Filipino.. I have dark hair and I guess my features and skin color? Obviously My blonde highlights is not my natural color. I went through the ugliest stage in middle school. I wasn't very pretty, I got chubby, Puberty was a biotch!. My grandmother was very obessed with weight and image. I think because she was a model, She has turquose eyes beautiful.
I am half south american andMexican of course sprinked with god knows what thanks to the spanish lol. My family is from Venezuela and other parts of South America. So all my cousins have beautiful eyes, blonde hair, tall, thin, absolutely gorgeous. 2 of my favorite cousins were always the pretty ones and I was always the dark (back then I use to be in the sun alot) chubby one. There was always candy around, and I love me some chocolate! but My "grandmother" always checked whatever I was eating, I remember being around 5? and my mom was giving me a bath and my mom was told I was getting to chubby and she wanted to weigh me, growing up always looking at things I would put on my plate. My mom wouldn't take me around her because it was to much negative that she knew would influence me and give me a negative body image.. well it did. It was always bout the way I looked, If I didn't weigh a certain size or fit I wasn't slim enough I was criticized or shunned. Literally. My Mothers father was the same fucken way.
So I have this thing in my head that I am worth the number on a scale, and If I don't have a flat stomach or I'm not fitting right in my clothes I am a disgrace to the outside world. I look at other girls who are really chubby and big boned, they go out in the world no problem so why do I feel I am going to be in "trouble" if I had a bulge or my shirt was a tad to tight. I admire girls are a bit heavy and are totally comfortable with them selfs. I would sit towards the wall so no one can see me eat. I would worry if people were watching how much I put on my plate. . I still have that complex. I am a slave to a number. Sometimes I think subconsciously we become self destructive to punish ourselves or "Rebel" against those who taunt us. So we gain weight to piss them off when in reality it's only harming ourselves. I don't have a scale in my house.
In highschool I went through my chola phase more like the tom boy phase. Then when I got out of "highschool" I started to dress more girly. I didn't own a skirt or heels till I was about 22? I was never as big as I saw my self. I'm 5'5 and the most I weighed was 173? I am not big boned so I carried it well. but to me I was a bubble that needed to be popped. I went on weight watchers, I use to think counting "points" was to much for me. I joined and it was the shit! I lost like 30 pounds easy. It's a great program. I would go off when I reached my goal.. go out.. eating late.. then I would re-join and keep loosing.. I always thought If I reached a number my life would be PERFECT. People who knew me back then don't recognize me for shit or they are like OMG. And I'm sure if you look at my pics you couldn't imagine me having these issues. So when I'm told how beautiful I am or blah blah blah I don't belive it in the least. If they know me how I am on the inside then okay.
I don't have big boobs, like i did when I was chubbier lol. I don't have a big ass. So I think.. well who would want me or think I'm attractive because I don't have that luxury I wasn't "blessed" I know I have other things I am always complimented on. I do want some work done, I am going to get a boob job in the future, FOR me not for anyone else. I want a couple of other work done. Thats my personal choice.
So back in 06 I started gaining weight again and was in deep depression. This ass tryed to pick up on me and I made a comment back messing around but he took it as a diss.. and he went from praising how much he liked me to calling me a groupie.. so original right? lol and how I was to fat to be in my skirts and blah blah blah... That really got to me but it was such a fucken motivation. for someone reason that just got to me. I got better mentally and in 07 got on some meds ( I wrote a blog about this) and I went vegan. I read this book that changed my life in 06 I stopped eating meat. but in 07 in January I went full vegan. I lost so much weight.. Vegan is completely healthy, it's really the life style thats very god like. I will touch on this subject in another blog to really educate the ignorant.
3 months later I was working a U.N.I.T.Y event and ran the door.. everyone and their momma was shocked and immediately some people's attitudes were so different, so praising, so positive. amazing right? My mom's parents all of a sudden couldn't stop conversing with me, They are so shallow that it's when I looked good they had so much to say, all of a sudden I was worthy of their attention, I wasn't ignored and I wasn't just in the shadow. Needless to say I dont speak to some of them.
Anywho being in the industry like I am, it's a lot of pressure, I have never been told what to look like or weigh, not at all because I am respected for being myself. Sure some dudes try to pick up on me but I correct them. I am asked to host or be interviewed on camera which totally adds weight and I'm always self conscious so I try to stay away and some oppurtunies I probably missed. At shows and events I try to look descent and a certain way that grabs attention, sex sells I dont sell sex but I have a confidence that draws in people, I dunno why I just do. I love skirts and stilletos.. but My ass is never hanging out nor is my chest. You don't have to show alot, I have long legs and I like high ass shoes to give me length and I like to be tall!
I have gained a little weight and it's fucking with me. I am now trying to get back into eating right and exercising . I do get discouraged sometimes so I wanna say fuck it and eat. or I'll start tomorrow or Monday. I know what to eat and what not to. I have some "Friends" who know I'm trying to do better and purposely try to feed me shit and get me off track for their own insecurities. I have a low will power unless I'm in my zone so I try to stay away. Instead of "lets meet for lunch" we should do something else.
I am not as a fat ass like I think I am. I am still obsessed with a number, I am still obsessed with the way I look and not being good enough. I am not ashamed to say it because I know there is alot of other females out there who don't know if anyone else goes through it or is to embarrassed people will judge them. Everytime I complain my mom tells me "Take the fork out of your mouth" My mom is always hella supportive, when I ask her if I look fat, she will say no but why don't you try on something more flattering or "Your body is just giving you feedback"
I totally suggest and back Weight Watchers 100000%. It's not to vegan friendly however it does cater to vegetarians. It's hella easy and you can literally eat whatever you want.. but it teaches you how much you should have.
I know alot of people who go for the quick fixes. I have as well. But I know it's going to come right back. I'm not judging anyone but even when simple shit like Weight Watchers are offered or they go on the plan then get off.. it's like well what the fuck do you want then? you gotta open your mind and try it. Not everything is going to be eays and obviously over eating is.. so stop being lazy and expect a miracle. Weight Watchers is the fucken closest your gonna get. Granted, not every plan is going to be right for you. Weight Watchers may work and it may not. I just know for me personally I tried alot of things, I had a negative stubborn attitude and I thank god Weight Watchers helped me.
I hear the excuses.. we all have them. There is always the stereo-types with weight watchers but I know for a fact the one I went to close to my house is the shit. You don't weigh in front of people, You don't have to go to the meetings Which helped me. You don't even need to go in weekly to get weighed. You can buy the 2 books and some materials and do it on your own.
If you read and educated yourself on what is in 99% of processed foods and shit you eat everyday.. you would go vegan as well. '
Anyways. thats my story.
Kevin recently commented.. like a couple others.. about a couple things I wrote.. It's not a contradiction..
"I don't have a big ass. So I think.. well who would want me or think I'm attractive because I don't have that luxury I wasn't "blessed" I know I have other things I am always complimented on. I do want some work done, I am going to get a boob job in the future, FOR me not for anyone else. I want a couple of other work done. Thats my personal choice."
I appreciate Kevin for taking the time to read my long ass blog and take the time to take in what I sayed.
I know it may come off as a contradiction.. but It's really not.. why? easy. Think about it. It's like having a good size chest and it going down because of the weight loss..Breast are made of Fat. I miss that personally, I like it for ME, of course I know the most would probably be looking at my chest then in my face.. and if you read my previous blogs or know me personally I can sense that shit and correct anyone commen at me remotely with game. I'm not talken bout getting a fucken size D or E.. a natural C is good with me.
It's like when I trim my hair.. I love my long hair! but when I have cut it short (rare) I feel different, I don't like way it looks or frames my face. There's a verse in Chino XL's song "What you looking at" Where he says "I refuse to do this for everyone else, like a blind chick with a boob job"
It's so easy to say I shouldn't care what other people think, and true beauty isn't perfection on the outside but on the inside. Yea I get that, loud and clear. But it's like a deformity to me personally and I simply like filling out a shirt or cute ass bra's.. I'm not flat mind you.. I'm not a size A.. I want to be a C again like before. Thats ME. I don't care if everyone else will probably like it.. I want to do it for ME. no one else. Some may consider this as a contraction to the way I write about not having the body of "what society expects females to look like" I don't give a fuck.. obviously if I did I would totally flaunt myself. But I don't. I also want some other work done.. why? I'm not talking about altering my face or vain superficial shit to look like barbie.. but minor shit. and If people can't get that.. well to is own. We can agree to disagree. =)