Friday, March 6, 2009

What's been going on is...

nothing and alot.

I haven't blogged in a while. I look back at some of the previous blogs and I cringe because I don't feel like that anymore, I kinda worry what if certain people judge me, but then I feel bad if I delete because 1, I'm not perfect and either is anyone else, and 2 I always say what I feel, so it would kind of be.. in a way.. disrespectful to myself for disregarding what I felt at the time. I don't think I'm explaining it right but I get what I'm saying, lol.

I think it's dope people like the way I write, however, the more people read it the more I want to write but it's a certain person or 2 I feel intimidated and refrain from being so candid, but why let it stop me. I've always sayed and done what I felt, it's not like I'm saying anything bad anyway.

So January came and went. February was a very interesting month. I haven't elaborated on a serious issue that affected me in more ways than one, shit this "Situation" has been a major part of my life -Because I let it- It is involving another person and even though I write about my "family" and private shit about me, I won't blog about my relationship or whatever with this person. It would make a great book, I will tell you that, and the few that know of this Novela .. it was never dull lol. Anyway lets just say I am finally over what I thought I would never be over. So Time does heal all, and things do come back to you, as it did that person. Anyway closure in a way was given and I learned alot about myself.

1 thing I notice is I chose situations that subconsciously mirror past situations. Majority of people do. I can totally get in great detail and example but blah ..

I observed I chose one "addiction" for another. I'm not talking about liquor (can't keep down 3 Smirnoff's), I'm not talking about weed (2 hits and I wanna throw up) and no way am I talking about any drugs, I can't even do a shot of tequila lol. So it's not the usual addictions. Food, of course it's a way I medicate. Alot of my complex, self image and other bullshit from my past that I bring into my life presently have to do with food and thats what it is right now, maybe it's for protection or in defense, could be I'm not really hungry for food at all. I find that I don't wanna open certain e-mails or do certain things, errands so I will emerge myself in something else that will *distract* me. I guess thats the right word, a distraction, this is a damn good word to define what and who I just got over.

My mind is complicated but I don't find myself to be.

It's funny because I stop and look around at things and lessons in life. I wrote a blog previously on Life Lessons, yea I'm 26 not that old but old enough to realize common sense in situations about life.

1 thing is, I discovered on my own, I run from stuff in my life because it's to difficult to me to conquer, or I'm afraid I will succeed.. oh the horror right? NOTHING worse then sabotaging yourself. I have great books that were given me to, but what do I do? I get a Library card and get 4 to 5 books on topics that are already sitting with probably more great detail and insight next to my fucken bed. wtf is that? I love to read, and a Library card is like a fucken golden ticket.

So now I get it, If people are telling me something over and over, and I always find the "If's, and's or buts" It's because I am making excuses, and in the end they are usually right.

I learned that I have always lived my life either black or white. The huge problem is my life has always been Gray. ALWAYS. My life is anything but fucken normal, I have sayed this many times, but I am a blessed motha fucka. I find that with my relationships/friendships with people, either black and white when situations come up but it's never really that cut throat

The more I get to know people, and the more people react to me with so much positivity I discover I really am a good person, I will help anyone on the street, I am compassionate, I have my flaws, trust me I do, but I am not a thief, I am not shady for shit and people trust me like genuinely trust me and that is worth more than any material shit in this world, and even if I dislike someone or hate them, I will still help them because at the end of it all I do want to be friends.

so whats my point? well I have done enough running from my bullshit, my mind is constantly going and I'm afraid of the choices I make, I don't always trust my decisions. How many others feel the same way?

man this year better be a change for me, but I'm the only one that can command at myself and demand myself with "better be" because only I can make shit change.. and prevent forest fires lol jk.........

I don't believe in luck anymore, I believe things happen for a reason, I owe that alot to Janice helping me with books and stuff. I don't know why I seem to loose steam and be it, interest in things. I guess thats what happens when I distract myself with something thinking it will make everything else go away, like a drug or treatment.

I have alot of work to do on myself, but I'm glad I have my mom as a awesome role model. As I sit here writing this, my mother is talking bout her volunteering at the Sherrifs Station, she's part of the Domestic Violence unit. She volunteers her paralegal services for free on the weekends, 2 hours away for people who can't afford help. She makes sure she buys everything organic and not animal tested. Our Toilet Paper, Tooth Brush's, House cleaners, products etc.. everything is always for the environments. I can go on and on but I'll sit here forever talking bout this earth and angel and my eyes will tear up even more because she's that amazing.

When I turned 25 I couldn't even say 25. when I turned 26, shit good luck.. still couldn't say it cause now I am an adult but I'm still spoiled. However, now I look forward to getting older, because there's a reason I'm here everyday. How many people never make it to 26? How many family members and loved ones would only wish their loved one would still be alive, fuck the age.. as long as they are here. So instead of dreading it because I haven't met my personal "goals" or where I "ought" to be.. I'm learning something all the time, and with age comes experience, knowledge and maturity, clarity and prospective.

I have the privilege and opportunity to volunteer anywhere I want everyday. I LOVE helping people, I love it. I'm looking for different organizations, from the homeless, to kids to gay/lesbian activism, animals and of course music. So I dunno.

I went out for the first time since like New Years? a couple weeks ago, had a cool time, seen people I haven't in a long time. I drank to much and threw up at the Dennys in Hollywood, at least it was a pretty blue lol. the shit crept up on me lol. I wore my boots! =) I still have a way to go to wearing my stilettos since my accident but I lasted in the boots for hours! =)

I saw Madea goes to Jail this past weekend, it was aight, funniest fucken line to me was "Nigga can't even make it drizzle, talken bout maken it rain" LMAO! when I go to the movies, I like to sit in the middle.. other wise it hurts my eyes. 11.50 for a fucken movie ticket? I'm like wtf!

so that is whats been go-inz onz mannnnnnnnn

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