Sunday, April 12, 2009

I'll start Monday, Cause Tue-Sunday Doesn't count! right?


Every week for WEEKS shit even Months I'm like I'm gonna start eating clean and healthy. Monday for sure.


That Magical Monday comes and goes.

I can't blame it on the fucken day of the week, I know exactly how to start eating clean and healthy, shit I went Vegan, did that to perfection, no problem. I then went to Vegetarian (still no meat/fish since 06!) .. It's a sugar addiction I have. Plus I like comfort food.

I have a weight issue, it's my issue and plenty of people have theirs. It's an emotional thing I guess, I think sometimes I might put on weight to protect or defend myself? I can see that now, I don't like attention, I sure damn as hell don't like stupid perv ass attention from dudes, never did, I don't need attention on myself to feel good or valid.

I also have this complex, I've blogged about it alot because it's something I've had since I was a little girl, I think I use my weight as a way of rebelling, but like the old saying goes "Your only hurting yourself"

When I've blogged about this I've mentioned where it stems from. My Grandmother, She is absolutely stunning even to this day, she is a former model, My moms side is South American, you know the type turquoise eyes, light skinned, blond hair, tall and slender. I had none of that when I was born lol.

She made weight a MAJOR issue growing up. I was the only grandchild and I was constantly compared to my stunning cousins who tall and skinny. I have an impeccable memory, I can remember different episodes with her when I was 5. Always about my weight but now that I'm older, it's not really about MY weight, it was her insecurities that she took out on me.

I still to this very day value myself some what by a number. If I am at a certain number on the scale then I am "accepted" but accepted by who? myself? society?

I've written before how it feels when I've gained weight, some people tell me "You can't even tell" yea right, I hide it good, although I gain it first in my face but my body will follow mostly my arms, and stomach, thankfully my thighs and legs, I've never had a problem, now I'm approaching my latge 20's AGHHHHHHHHHHH! I hope my body doesn't change to fast.

I have to cover up if I go outside, I feel like if I show something un pleasant, if my stomach hangs out in a certain way or it doesn't look "smooth" them some how I'm in trouble or committing a Haynes act in public and being judged by every single person, why do I think like that?

The funny thing is, even though I see myself maybe from a extreme magnified distorted mirror. I am no way obese, even though to me I feel I am. The heaviest I've weighed , well that I've actually known from a scale is 173.5, I've always gone up and done, I'm 5'5 I don't wear it well.

I have gained weight, I don't feel comfortable in my body, although I feel like I could be 173 now I know I'm not. I weighed myself on a couple scales and it's in the 50's but as much dieting as I've done, I know exactly (well I think) just by how my clothes fit what number range I'm in.

I don't have the body type where I'm big boned, cause I'm not. I don't have the body type where I'm chubby, cause I'm not, although I do feel like it.

I am usually a Medium, Once I started fitting into Larges at stores, I FREAKED OUT. Then again, I'll go to the Asian clothing stores and their sizes always run small so who really knows.

A couple weeks ago I was at my friends house looking for some tops to borrow, she gave me a huge stack of Larges and Xtra Larges, I always swim in them because they are to huge for me, even looking at the tops they seem to big for my frame, but I knew if I kept over eating, eating when I'm not even hungry but OVERLY eating I know I was bound for that extra size.

So what am I REALLY hungry for?

I do have a thing of self sabotaging myself, I could be a very successful talented person but I stop myself when I get to close, why do I do that?

It's not about the weight, it's about why I am eating to destroy myself..

No one pressures me about my weight because some just don't see it, or they just don't say anything. I can loose weight very easy when I'm on point with my workout and eating schedule. But I can also gain very very fast.

I find one thing and I over do it, I was talking to my friend 1 day and I was saying how I'm obessed with this one restaurant, I go literally everyday, I thought I was being obsessive, he's like your compulsive.. and there was an "AHA" moment.. I am. I am trading one bad eating habit for another, now it's Taco Bell Super Nachos!

So Today is Sunday and well, Tomorrow is Monday the difference is I am going to be real prepared, at least I hope mentally.

The pattern is, Sunday's.. I go and buy all my healthy shit.. then I go PIG OUT on what I usually eat cause you know it's the "Last Time" I'll be able to have it.. yea right.

But then I have to go somewhere, and it's so much easier to go through drive thru or if I'm with someone and they want to eat some where, "Oh well I'll just start tomorrow" but then I think of all the places or people I have to go out with and think fuck it, next Monday"

You know if you go off track for one moment of one day, you start convincing yourself NEXT MONDAY FOR SURE.

I have pressure on myself, I get so many positive feedback on my Myspace, or my blogs or what I do, so whenever there is a huge event I feel I have to look good. But they aren't complimenting me on my looks, and even if they did, I really don't need to hear it because even if I do look good, I really only care what I think of myself..

So why should I care what I look like if they are obviously praising my mind and my talents? I guess because it's the little girl in my, it's the complex, it's the scale..

I've been at a good weight, I've been the way I want to look and my life wasn't perfect. I just know the feeling of absolute bliss of being that weight.

I remember being told I need to gain weight, that I was getting to Skinny .. DON'T picture a skinny waffle cause that I will never be, it's not my body structure, I have an average body shape I guess but I just remember telling myself I haven't hit the number yet .. but what number will suffice me?

No one on both sides of my family have any weight issues what so ever. at all.

I often say I don't need praise on how I look, I really don't, I think because my mom gave me so much love and attention and still does, that I don't look for it, I don't see it, only other person I seek it from, that I need it from naturally, is if I'm dating someone, of course you want to look good for that person!

an abundance of weight does NOT look good on me, so when I loose it , all of a sudden some people start treating me like I'm some fucken new born queen, like they some discovered entity, it's so superficial and un real.

It's hard when my moms parents who are both re-married, all of a sudden remember I'm at the table when I've lost weight. All of a sudden I'm worth speaking to, how fucken stupid is that, I used to internalize that but now I see it as their insecurities.

I remember being at my great uncles funeral, and my grandmother who I have a serious rocky "relationship" with says "You look so beautiful, I didn't even recognize you" OUCH.

I have to go to her house later on, and long gone are the days when she micro managed everything I ate, she stopped bringing out the scale, her fucken comments, she hasn't sayed anything but I know she's thinking it. It's weird cause when I walk in that house she greets me with a compliment, but it doesn't make me at ease, it actually pisses me the fuck off, I know she's trying to have a relationship with me so she's saying the compliments to try to have a way of communication. Don't get it twisted by me not being happy with anything, I know her heart is in the right place, and she's trying hard, we haven't been able to be around each other for years without a really damaging fight, BUT it's kind of like the "elephant" in the room kind of thing and it's just ass backwards.

I don't need to loose weight for anyone but me

I remember my friend who was pretty heavy, pushing almost 400, I love her dearly, sweet heart to the fullest! We use to work together, She would bring her lunch everyday, the funny thing is, none of her foods could be touched. The Meat, Bread, Lettuce, etc all in separate plastic baggies, she was very meticulous with her food but the ironic thing is she wasn't the same with what she ate and how it affected her body.

I'm going back to basics, back to what always worked for me.

Weight Watchers and my fav place to workout including the very food that satisfies me and nourishes my body.

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